Counseling a Changeling #1: First of Many

Posted on Thu Oct 3rd, 2024 @ 1:41pm by Lieutenant Commander Caradan Eunidas & Lieutenant Krysia Kaleri-Smith

Mission: The Only Thing Left Was Hope
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: Current

With still more than a day to go before reaching Earth, Caradan gave in to her own battle with herself. It was only a matter of time before Krysia would review the roster and look at service records. Sure enough, she would inevitably see that Caradan had been a POW once. It was one thing if the Chief of Security refused to go to counseling for that, still a big deal, but it was going to be an even bigger deal if their XO refused to do the same.

Counseling was not something Caradan felt she needed. Dozens upon dozens of sessions with Dr. Lauda had not fixed her yet. So what could she possibly hope for from Krys. Of course Krysia needed to check that box as all counselors needed to do. Deep down, though, Caradan had a small pinprick of hope that possibly she would get some sound advice. Not that she had not gotten exactly that from Dr. Lauda. Caradan did recognize that she was possibly not open enough or receptive enough for such advice. 'How can I make myself open and receptive,' she thought.

Caradan worked her way across the small and cramped ship to the quarters/office of LT Krysia Kaleri-Smith. And, having time to second-guess herself and decide to abort this endeavor before it even began, Caradan forced herself to depress the chime alerting her presence. Half of her wanted Krysia to not be in there.

Krysia was indeed inside, getting used to having to use family quarters as a private area for Counselling sessions as well. As much as she’d hated it, she’d arranged for the twins to remain with James’ grandmother until they returned to collect them. As soon as the Pandora was found that would be exactly what she’d do. Hearing the chime she walked over to the door smiling as she greeted Caradan. “Hello Caradan, please come in.”

"Counselor," Caradan said without a smile. "I...uh..." and she nearly jumped a little as the door gently closed behind her. It was not the sound of the door closing but the realization that she was in this room, in this situation. Though there were avenues of escape, she might as well see this one through. "I wanted to share with you something," she started as she automatically lowered herself into the nearest place to sit, "something from a few years ago. I was fine while being Chief of Security, but now that Mindo has asked me to be his XO, there...there is something I need to discuss." Caradan was unsure how to proceed. This was only the second time she had even met Krys and was a little unsettled in sharing some of her concerns and anxieties to someone she did not even know. Perhaps it was better this way. That was Dr. Lauda's philosophy.

Krysia took a seat not wanting to make Caradan feel any more uncomfortable. “Please call me Krysia, and that’s what I’m here for. You don’t need to be nervous, I’m not here to judge you.”

"I..." and her will to speak further drained away. Caradan wanted only to leave but forced herself to stay put and get through this. "I'm not certain I will make an effective XO for the crew. Heading home...ok. And I agreed to that. But when we set out in search of the Pandora..." Caradan was shaking her head at Krys. "The last time I was executive officer was aboard the Tornado. Mindo knows this. He was there. We were involved in something of a Klingon Civil War. News of this has only recently been declassified so I can talk about it, but..." and there Caradan had to catch her proverbial breath. "Our captain was captured and, as XO, I had to take control of the ship and crew. I had an idea, one that would bring the rebelling Klingons down. It worked...in the end. My plan was to infiltrate their ranks and expose myself as a Changeling. After doing just that, as well as taking on the forms of others in their ranks, I had the Klingon rebels seeing Changelings everywhere. Their organization and trust collapsed, but...I was too slow to run. One of them caught up to me before I could get back to the Tornado and I too was captured. I left crumbs for the Tornado to follow. I was rescued, so was out captain, but I...I was harshly treated by my captors. And...during the rescue, some of my crew died in the battle." That was the short and not-so-sweet of it all. "So, you see, I feel unworthy of being XO of this crew. I...uh..." and her words trailed off.

Krysia nodded, a few years ago she would have been uncomfortable around someone she couldn’t read, but not now. She offered a caring smile. “I understand, I really do. You have every right to feel the way you do, but if Mindo feels you are the right person for the job then you are. Put your trust in him, as he is in you. I’ll be right there to offer whatever support you need, to be a sounding board if you need it.”

"I trust Mindo," Caradan started, "I do." But she knew he did not know what all happened to her since the Tornado. He did not even know the extent of her treatment as a POW. Very few knew that. "So much has happened since then. Before Risa, the last words he spoken to me was 'I don't want to see you again.' That has changed now. Things have changed. We have changed." Caradan did not even know if she could trust herself in this position, making decisions that could mean the difference between life and death. If he only knew everything there was to know, would he still trust her? "I have a lot to think about and deal with. How do you do it?" she asked Krys. "So many thoughts and so much burden to sift through. How do you deal with it all and maintain?"

“It’s a case of having to keep going” Krysia offered a caring smile. “You obviously know that I can’t read you, but over the years I’ve learned to read body language and not just emotions. How much are you struggling? Have you spoken to Mindo about how you currently feel?”

To Caradan this was not a struggle at all. She simply did not want to be in that position again. As for speaking to Mindo, "He knows, or is aware of my...stance..." she finally found a word to use. "He has more on his mind than me at the moment. He does not need to be overburdened with my problems as well." But she knew Krys would not take that answer as final. "I will speak with him again."

Krysia nodded. “Please do, you’ll be under enough stress as Exec without piling on more. Can you tell me more about your, stance, as you put it?”

"Not much to say really," Caradan started. "I was assigned to the crew as Security Chief. But with Temple being taken and Nash getting a command of his own. Mindo took control of the situation and, seeing as how we worked together in the past, he asked me to be his XO. I do not know why I did not say 'no' immediately. I did end up agreeing with the condition that I step down from this position once we arrive on Earth." She was shaking her head. "I know Mindo. Loyal and honest but also bullheaded. He is going to ask me to stay on as XO."

“Might I suggest that perhaps we both discuss your concerns with Mindo? That way I could be there to offer moral support if you need it?” Krys offered a caring gaze.

"It is not the moral support that I need, it's..." and she trailed off not knowing for sure whether or not she needed moral support. Really though, "if he asks something of me that I don't want to do, I will say 'No.' If he tries to make it an order...I...well we will have to cross that bridge when we get there. The real issue is..." and she looked at Krys. Looked her in the eye without any desire to look away. "I saw him die, many times over. When I was a POW, the Klingon rebels threw me into the brig. Only, it was their holodeck. I found that out after they had simulated a battle and subsequent rescue attempt. Mindo and another crewmate entered to save me only to be killed. The Klingon captain walked in, said 'Computer End Program,' and then it was just he and I on the holodeck. He pulled me from there to the brig. A battle later, complete with another rescue attempt and concluding with Mindo dying again rescuing me, it was just another holodeck. All in all, I witnessed my crewmates died, all at least twice with Mindo more that four times." Caradan let that sink in briefly. "When the real rescue came, I did not want them to be there. I did not want to be rescued as I knew they would only be killed again; that it would be another holodeck. And still, sometimes I find myself waiting for someone to walk in and say, 'Computer End Program.' That is why I have been avoiding Mindo as much as I believably can; because I keep imagining that many ways someone is going to kill him when they walk in."

Krysia nodded. “Okay now I understand, I’m sorry they did that to you. I can’t imagine how horrific that must have been, to watch your friends and colleagues die over and over.” She shook her head. “Maybe we could approach this a slightly different way, treat it as we would treat bad nightmares.” She pulled out a PADD from the pile on the coffee table, and passed it over to Caradan. “Some information on directed dreaming, a way for you to control nightmares. You set yourself a trigger object, something you can look as an escape point. In a dream it could be the moon, or anything you want, you see it and you know you’re dreaming. I’m not sure how it work where bridge duty is concerned though so we’d have to combat that another way. On days when I’m on bridge duty maybe we could set a keyword between us just to prove it’s not a holodeck simulation?”

"Yana," Caradan said immediately and without thought. "Yana is a good keyword. Do not ask what that means or if that is someone's name. Just know...Yana." Caradan went on to say that, "Typically, while on duty, I will have no trouble at all, with any of my vices. I cannot guarantee that will always be the case, especially with Mindo and I working together at the same time. And, I am uncertain I fully understand this 'directed dreaming,' but will read this over, give it some thought, and try putting some of these ideas into practice." That was something Dr. Lauda never mentioned. "Thank you, Counselor."

Krys nodded. “Any problems or questions you know where to find me. My door is always open.” She smiled warmly.