Desperation

Posted on Mon Jun 22nd, 2020 @ 3:16am by Lieutenant Katniss Wakefield & Lieutenant JG Aeryn Jameson
Edited on on Tue Jul 7th, 2020 @ 2:30pm

Mission: Divided We Fall
Location: Aeryn's office
Timeline: Current

A Mission Post by Lieutenant JG Aeryn Jameson & Lieutenant Katniss Wakefield
Mission: Divided We Fall
Location: Aeryn's office
Timeline: Current
Fri Mar 23rd, 2018 @ 1:52pm

This was unusual for Katniss, she wasn't one to normally seek help. But if recent events and her recent dream were anything to go by, then Katniss needed help. She was sick of keeping people at arm's length, she was sick of this darkness that seemed to be consuming her, her daughter was right, if she didn't let go of what happened and what she kept inside it would consume her.

Katniss had been pacing up and down the corridor outside of the Counsellors office for the last five minutes, getting here was the easy part, the hard part was actually hitting the door chime, because when she did, that was that, the first step on a road Katniss was still at turmoil with. Here she was stood at the door, looking at the door chime, all she had to do was press it, but then she quickly began to walk up the corridor towards the turbo lift, before she stopped again and turned back.

Her hand was shaking uncontrollably as her finger straightened out to press the button. 'come on Katniss, it isn't going to be like last time' she thought to herself. Finally gaining the courage she closed her eyes and gave several quick presses on the chime, which probably wasn't such a good idea, once would have sufficed.

The rapid chimes startled Mera up from her research. "C-come in." she said out loud as-as she flipped through the schedule on the console to make sure that she hadn't forgotten an appointment. "Lieutenant Wakefield, I was not expecting to see you here. Please come in and have a seat." gesturing toward the leather chair in front of her desk. "How are things going?" she asked in a warm voice.

"I'm sorry for interrupting you, Lieutenant, if it is not a convenient time, I could always come back another time," Katniss suggeste, hoping she would tell her to go away and make an appointment.

Aeryn was just passing through Lieutenant Richmond’s office when Katniss arrived, knowing Mera had a busy schedule she stopped beside them, “I have a free session available Lieutenant” she smiled warmly as Mera gratefully nodded. Aeryn looked at Katniss, “would you like to come with me, Lieutenant Wakefield?”

'Damn it' Katniss thought to herself and she gently smiled at Mera and then nodded at Aeryn "Thank you, I appreciate the appointment at short notice."

Walking into her own office Aeryn motioned for Katniss to take a seat, “Apologies Lieutenant, Mera is very busy at the moment so I thought perhaps I could help?.”

As Katniss took a seat, she became flush with emotion, was this really the right thing to be doing? how could she confess all to a stranger, but she had to, she didn't want to hurt herself or anyone else, and if her recent dream was anything to go by, she was certainly on course to do that.

"Lieutenant, I need help..." She said her eyes making contact with Aeryn and the raw emotion showing as her eyes filling with tears "And I'm scared that If I don't get it, I'm going to hurt myself or the people around me."

Aeryn could not only see Katniss' pain but feel it as well, she reached for a box of tissues she always kept handy and moved to sit a little closer to Katniss. "It's alright Katniss" she offered the box of tissues and waited for her to take one, "tell me what's troubling you, I promise what you say will stay between us."

"I have...I have..." she paused and took a deep breath.

“You don’t need to be afraid Katniss” Aeryn placed her hand gently on top of Katniss’ hands “talk to me, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what you’re afraid of.”

"I have a darkness in me, that sometimes takes over and the only way I can seem to appease it, is my hurting myself. Not long after I came aboard I ran a combat simulation on the holodeck without the safety protocols, I got injured but of course been a medical doctor, physical injuries are easy to repair. I did get caught and a talking to by Lieutenant Griffin..." She paused and shuffled in her seat, talking about it, was making her uncomfortable.

Aeryn sat back in her seat, “it’s okay... go on..” she looked at Katniss waiting for her to continue.

"The most worrying thing is recently, I had a dream that was so real, in it, I was attempting to kill myself, I started some experiment in my lab that would expose me to a lethal radiation exposure, but in doing so I put the ship and others in danger, something I wouldn't normally do, If I were to ever..." she paused again."If I were ever to contemplate that, I wouldn't put others at risk, only myself, I've never put others at risk before, but is it in me? Would I hurt others?" she said looking at the door, her instinct was to run, get out...

“Your dream is a part of what you're feeling, just because you dreamt it, it doesn’t mean that it’ll happen Katniss” Aeryn offered a reassuring smile, “when did you first start hurting yourself? if you can remember then it might give us an idea of what it was that has started this cycle of pain & hurt that you’re going through.”

A wave of emotion flooded over her, she closed her eyes as she felt that knot in the bottom of her stomach start. "After I lost my child, and after my husband to be left me, I threw myself into my work, I would live in my lab, working for days on end, not sleeping, eating or seeing people, I did get counselling at the time, but...I had to otherwise I would have been relieved of duty and I couldn't lose my work on top of everything else I had lost..."

Aeryn nodded, "I'm so sorry I can't imagine how that must have felt, you did the right thing having counselling at the time. I understand that you just wanted to have a part of something routine to keep your mind busy." She tapped her PADD, "as for what you said about your holodeck time "You’ve always treated any injuries yourself?” Aeryn was concerned, this was a young woman in desperate need of help and not just hers, “If you’ll allow me I’d like to ask Doctor Brookes for his medical opinion as well, I promise you I won’t mention you by name unless you want me to.”

Katniss gave a glare, "Why do people forget that just because my title is Chief Researcher, that I am not a fully competent Medical Doctor, I still do the required hours in my own time to maintain my registration, I'm fully capable of treating injuries, even my own." she took a breath "Computer, access file treatment sessions from my own personal files and transfer it to terminal in this room."

The computer made the customary tones "Access to that file is restricted."

"Authorisation, Wakefield, Gamma five, nine, seven, six."

The computer again acknowledged the code and made a confirmation tone. "Authorisation accepted, transferring file."

"Every injury, every treatment I have had or done to myself. You may get a second opinion, but no names."

"It wasn't your medical skills I was worried about..." She offered a smile, "I don't judge anyone who comes to see me, I simply try and help and your problems are not something we'll be able to fix overnight so I'll need to see you on a regular basis."

Katniss gave out a loud sigh, been told you needed to see a counsellor on a regular basis was never a good thing, but she had taken the first step. "Very well."

"For now we'll start with your nightmares..." she stood and reached for a PADD, "have a read through this, it's a method called directed dreaming it's a way of learning how to maintain a conscious memory even when you're sleeping you can train your mind to remember a trigger object something you'll easily remember that will remind you're dreaming. That way you control your dream and what happens in that dream." Aeryn smiled, "I'm hoping it'll work for you but we'll see."

"I shall take a look, and now your going to tell me, if I need you or am in crisis I may contact you 24 hours a day, seven days a week," she replied trying to make light of the situation.

"Well I could have but you already said it for me" Aeryn grinned, "I'm always available even if you just need a friend to talk to instead of a Counsellor."

"I appreciate your time Lieutenant, I may not be an open book, in fact, I find it hard to open up to people, I keep people at arm's length and although this is home now, I don't have many friends because I like my own company and solitude. But that is also something I am trying to work on." she said with half a smile.

"It takes time to settle in anywhere and can take longer still if you aren't a confident person, but you're honest about it and you're trying that's what matters" Aeryn smiled warmly, "try & join in crew gatherings you'll find it easier to make friends that way, but don't feel pressured into it if you can't face it okay?"

"Oh don't worry, I wouldn't," she replied

"So have a read of the paperwork and let me know how you get along, any problems my door is always open" she picked up the PADD that had been recording their session and tapped it.

"Thank you, Lieutenant, for making the time. And feel free to run that data past the Doctor, just no names." she said she glanced down at the padd about dreaming.

“That’s a promise” Aeryn smiled warmly, “I’ll schedule another appointment for you and I’ll be in touch.”

Watching as Katniss left her office Aeryn hoped she’d call if she needed her, for now she needed to speak to Doctor Brookes.