Real Me

Posted on Fri Oct 23rd, 2020 @ 3:18am by Raven Mattel & Lieutenant Krysia Kaleri-Smith

Mission: Shore Leave
Location: Counsellor's Office

ON

Raven shuffled her feet as she slowly walked through Deck 6. She hadn't spent much time on the Medical level while onboard the Pandora, apart from the occasional check up in Sickbay. Even then she would have been strutting through, on a mission, treating every corridor like a runway. Right now, she was nervous and apprehensive, and taking a slow, deliberate pace towards her destination. It was allowing her to really see the Med Deck for the first time - the long, clean white floor, curved glass walls, crisp and bright lighting. It didn't look like any other part of the ship, she realised, but instead more like a real hospital.

Eventually she would arrive at her destination, despite how slowly she had walked, as Raven found herself standing in front of the Counsellor's Office. This was located at the end of the deck, at the stern of the ship, as the computer had helpfully pointed out. It was her first time coming here too, and she was surprised how different again it seemed from the corridors she had just walked down. The space here seemed friendlier - the lights were dimmer, there was a soft-looking couch for waiting patients, and two decorative plants on either side of the door. It felt like a safe space.

Raven's hand raised towards the door chime, and she paused. Could she really go through with this? She hadn't spent much time with Lieutenant Kaleri-Smith, but everyone on board had said she was helpful and warm. She was undoubtedly the best person to talk with about any personal problems. But that's the catch - Raven didn't know if she could talk about her problems. Not out aloud, not if it made them real. So, instead, she froze.

Krysia was sat in one of the comfy chairs in her office, feet up going over personnel files and appointment requests, now she was just into her seventh month with the twins she wanted to make sure she was working a schedule she could keep up with. She was feeling like she was carrying around a ten ton weight and she certainly looked it!

Looking towards the door Krysia frowned, she could sense someone out by the door but there was a heavy sense of turmoil and fear. Pushing herself up she walked over to the door and opened it, "Hi there" She offered a warm smile. "I sensed there was someone outside the door" she stood aside and motioned for Raven to enter. "Please don't be afraid or uncomfortable, come in and make yourself at home."

Raven gasped when the door opened, but tried to hide her embarrassment when she saw the welcoming smile of Counsellor Kaleri. "Oh. That's pretty sneaky, sensing me like that." She looked at the open entryway and took a deep breath. It was like going on the rollercoasters at Disney; she just had to close her eyes and commit to the ride. "Thank you." She said as she walked in.

"The replicator is available for use if you'd like anything" Krys motioned to the rear of the room before settling herself back in her seat and getting as comfortable as she could be.

"Does it do alcohol?" Raven asked glibly, her trademark use of humour to hide her nerves. She stood pensively in the middle of the room, folding her arms across her chest.

"It doesn't but if you're in need I have some in my cabinet" Krys smiled warmly. "I keep it for those in need." She noticed Raven's nervous body language and she could sense her nerves as well. "There's no need to be nervous, I'm simply here to listen and give advice I'm not here to judge."

"Thanks," Raven replied with a laugh, "I wasn't sure if you were allowed to... For me, I mean. I'm not an officer, I thought maybe you only saw officers, not civilians. Though I'm not a passenger either, I'm a service team member at least. Does that count?"

Krys smiled. “I’m here for any that need to see me, regardless of whether they’re fleet crew or civilians who live onboard ship.” She sat forward and repositioned the cushion that she had behind her back for support, carrying around twins was quite a strain on her back muscles. “How’s about you give me some idea of what brought you here, it’s obviously bothering you or you wouldn’t have sought my counsel.”

Raven nodded slowly and made a few tentative steps towards sitting down, "I had a fight with my friend today. He's a good friend. My best friend, really, on the ship."

Krys nodded as she listened keeping eye contact as Raven spoke to show interest in what she was saying. “May I ask what the fight was about?”

She sighed, flopping herself down in the chair, "He made me pyjamas, which was so thoughtful. He must have spent his free time doing it and they looked super chic and fab. But they're weren't... me."

“In what way weren’t they ... you?” she looked at Raven curiously.

"They were blue counsellor." Raven raised up her hands. "BLUE!"

Krys nodded. “I take it blue isn’t to your liking, which is fair enough. We all have our likes and dislikes.”

"So true." Raven agreed readily, "But shouldn't your friend, who you've been kicking around with for a while now, know this about you? I mean, it wasn't the blue itself, you know I'm not afraid of any colour in the rainbow. I can and will wear anything. But I just feel like he should just know without me saying it by now. How does he not know?"

Krysia paused to think how best to word her answer. “Sometimes friends see sides of us that we don’t see in ourselves. It could be that your friend thought you’d like the choice of colour and went with it. He obviously wouldn’t want to offend you with his choice.” She looked at Raven for a moment. “Raven is there a particular reason why you don’t like the colour choice?”

Raven squinted her eyes, a shrewd smile on her lips. She pointed at Kaleri, "You're a sly one, Counsellor. I'll give you that. Of course, Iggy just thought I was a blue pyjamas person and he thought it was a good idea. But I'm really upset because he's putting me in that box of a blue pyjama person, when I've never said that's who I was. There's nothing wrong with being a blue pyjama person, lots of people are more comfortable with that. But I don't think that's me, not the real me anyway. And I guess I just assumed Iggy knew who I was. Or at least, knew who I wasn't."

Krysia nodded and smiled. “Are you sure that you’re definitely not that kind of person? I know we all have our pet hates but perhaps there’s a reason why you’re so angry about this.”

"Yes... maybe... I don't know. I've never really thought about it." Raven said, then she sighed heavily. "Truth is, I think about it a lot. Especially lately. I just don't know how to proceed."

Krysia nodded. “You can talk to me about it, the decision you’re trying to make is yours but it may help to air your thoughts aloud.”

Raven stood and walked around the couch again, staring out the window. "I... think I want to live my life... differently, to what I am now. But I don't know completely. What I do know, is that I need my friends around me." She turned back and looked at Kaleri with a slight frown, "How do I tell him what I need when I don't know entirely what that is just yet?"

“Talk to him” Krysia smiled as she looked across at Raven. “You’re talking to me, try talking to him this way. Tell him how you feel and that you need his friendship. If he’s as good a friend as you say he’ll understand and he’ll help you through this.”

Raven nodded, "It'll be hard to say everything without... saying everything. I'm sorry, Counsellor, I'm probably not making much sense."

Krys smiled warmly. “It’s okay, I totally understand. Some decisions are harder to make than others and you don’t need to word everything to talk about how you feel. When you’re ready to put it into words just come and see me. My door is always open.”

Raven thought on that for a moment, before returning to her seat. She sat on the edge of the couch, looking intently at Kaleri. "You're telepathic, right? Or empathic? Either way, when you look into my mind and my feelings... who do you see? Underneath it all?"

Krys nodded in answer to the first question, "I'm both telepathic and empathic, in answer to your question ... I'm not supposed to look into your mind, but I can feel your emotions and what I'm feeling is a lot of confusion. I see a person infront of me whose ... For want of a better word, fractured." She offered an understanding smile. "There's a part of you pulling in one direction while the other part is pulling the opposite way. What you need is to find a way to bring those two halves back together, then you'll be whole again."

Raven took that in and nodded slowly, "So true. That's how I feel. Thank you, Counsellor, you've been a big help."

"That's good to hear." Krys smiled warmly. "I aim to please. Like I said I'm always available."

Raven returned the smile, "Thank you, Counsellor. I will probably need to call on your advice again, if it's alright. Maybe next time I will be a little... less foggy in my mind."

"It's absolutely fine." Krysia nodded and offered a warm smile. "I'm always available, so don't worry about that. Anytime you need to talk just call me and I'll be here."

Raven said her goodbyes and sauntered down the corridor from where she came. She wanted to find Ignatius and tell him what was going on in her mind but she still felt hesitant. She decided a bit of time on the Holodeck would help calm her nerves first.

OFF