Together, Always

Posted on Wed Jan 27th, 2021 @ 1:42am by Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Kalin Brennan-Griffin PhD

Mission: The Gauntlet
Location: Cailus/Shae's Temporary Quarters, Carnwennan Station
Timeline: Current

It had all started as a sniffle. Just a sniffle, and Shae didn't pay it any mind as she went about her day tidying up after Eva. Eva was regaining her strength fast and was already making a mess with her small collection of toys, but she didn't yet have the stamina to pick up after herself, often laying down on the couch for a nap and leaving the clean up to her parents. And that's when it happened, just a small sniffle, then soon after a tear.

Shae brushed away the offending moisture as she continued to pick up Eva's toys, only to find more moisture building up in her eyes. Then, another sniffle. Suddenly, it was like a damn broke, all the strength left her body and she slumped to her knees with Eva's toys scattering around her. Shae tried to push it all down, but the grief she had been holding off would no longer be denied as hot tears fell down her cheeks with a choked sob.

Callus didn’t notice, at first. Sat on the couch with Eoin in his arms and Eva on the couch, both children enjoying their naps, he was focused on reading a padd. Strangely it was Eoin who seemed to notice his mother’s distress before Cailus did, his barely-formed fox ears quirking. Callus sighed, setting down the padd and preparing for the inevitable crying, but Eoin didn’t cry. Instead the baby boy wriggled in a way that Cailus hadn’t yet seen, either with him or Victoire when she’d been a baby.

“Eoin?” Callus muttered, looking down at him with concern...and only then did he hear the faint sobs from behind him. Twisting around, he saw Shae on the floor, tears flowing freely. She looked devastated and broken, a pitiful sight, one that made Cailus ache.

“Oh, Shae,” he whispered. He stood up, moving over to Shae, but he felt helpless. He had no idea what to do, least of all with Eoin in his arms. Hating himself for not knowing how to help, Callus just stood there, just as pitiful a sight as Shae.

Shae looked up at him, and instead for finding comfort in her mate, she felt even worse and the sobbing grew.

“She’s gone, love,” Shae said in a soft whisper in between sobs. “She’s gone and- and- and I feel like I can’t breathe!”

“I know, Shae, I know,” Callus said quietly, his voice strained. Eoin was even more anxious now, but still he didn’t cry, and at a loss, Callus moved back to the couch, carefully laying the boy down. Eva was still asleep, thankfully, so Cailus moved back to Shae, sitting on the floor next to her, extending his arm around her.

As soon as his arm was around her, Shae turned so that she was facing him and able to embrace him fully, then she buried her face in his chest and cried her aching heart out. They had both known this was coming and that it would hurt considering how long they had put off their grief, but Shae felt like she was drowning and she couldn’t figure out which way was up.

All Cailus could do was hold Shae’s small body against his own as she wept, stroking her long hair. He felt something stir inside him, something threaten to break, but he refused to let it. This wasn’t the Bubble, though, where their memories were foggy and faint, where the grief and pain had faded in the light of day. This was real, painfully real. He still remembered coming back from that away mission, everything seeming fine, that call from Sickbay...Aoife being completely still, her ears unmoving, her tail limp…

He took a shuddering breath as he held Shae, but there was nothing for it. The memories flowed, his own pain building, but he fought against breaking down as Shae was. She needed him, just as he’d needed her on Mars.

“I know, love, I know, I know,” he repeated senselessly, continuing to stroke her hair. Callus didn’t dare even look at the couch, even though it was facing away and they couldn’t see Eva. “I’m here, I’ve got you, I’m here…”

With his gentle voice guiding her back through the din, Shae’s sobbing began to slowly ebb until she had devolved into hiccups, but still she held tight to him, her rock. Her head ached painfully from all the crying, but somehow she felt a little bit… lighter. This probably wouldn’t be the last time she would cry for her lost daughter, but hopefully this was the worst of it.

Time stretched, each moment seeming to last longer than it should. Callus felt the cold dampness on his chest, from where Shae’s tears had seeped into his shirt, his backside starting to protest at sitting so long on the carpeted floor. Nevertheless he just stayed there, waiting for Shae to cry herself out, and as her sobs faded, he fought to control his own treacherous mind. Now wasn’t the time to think about Aoife. Or Madeleine. Or Vic. Not now. Not now.

Eventually, as Shae lapsed into silence broken by the occasional hiccup, he bent his head down and kissed the top of Shae’s head lightly. “I’m going to take you to bed now, okay?” he whispered.

Shae nodded slowly. Then gently, stars above he was always so gentle with her, he lifted her into his arms and rose, and soon she was tucked safely into bed. “Can you bring me the kids, Eoin first?” she asked as she closed her eyes to sink into the calming darkness of the room; she could hear Eoin, not quite crying, but he was grunting and working himself into a little fit, but lucky for her she knew just how to calm him.

“Sure,” Callus said softly, stroking Shae’s cheek before returning to the main room of their quarters. Eoin was indeed quite active, although he seemed to quiet down slightly when Cailus picked him up, his little tail slowing its wagging. Their quarters were dead silent, now, completely still save for the view outside as ships occasionally passed by. Careful not to disturb the spell of fragile silence, Callus carefully made his way back to the bed, setting Eoin down.

“I think he wants his mother,” he whispered, smiling, although with distinct melancholy. Leaving them, he went to collect Eva, who had slept through the entire ordeal and remained happily asleep even as Cailus picked her up too, bringing her back to the bedroom and putting her in the bed beside her mother and brother.

With that, Callus just stood there, looking down at the three of them, snug in the bed. He made no effort to join them or to do anything else. It was late afternoon, just one boring day among many recently, but for reasons even he didn’t understand, Cailus stood there, as if paralysed.

Upon receiving Eoin, Shae adjusted her shirt to nurse, the fastest way to calm an uppity baby, to which he did so eagerly and all the anxiety melted right out of him. Then with Eva in the bed, Shae reached out to stroke the dark curls framing her face. She and Cailus had lost so much, but Shae was comforted that they had Eva, and now Eoin too, and they were both getting stronger and healthier by the day. Not quite a perfect family given their losses, but Shae didn’t care, it was her family and that was enough.

Eventually, she realized that Cailus had been staring at them.

“Cail, are you alright?” Shae asked softly, somewhat worried that he was stuck in another more painful moment as he used to when they first met.

Callus jerked in surprise. “What?” he said, confused for a moment, before Shae’s question sunk in. “Oh...oh. Yeah. I’m fine.” With a forced smile, he sat on the edge of the bed, looking down fondly at them all, until he worked up the nerve to say something else. “Forget that. I’m not. But I will be. We all will be. So long as we’re together.”

Watching Eoin feed, his smile slowly became more genuine. Callus reached out to gently stroke Shae’s silver hair. “It won’t get easier,” he finally said, his eyes flicking from Eoin to Eva, then to Shae. “Not for a long time.”

“I know,” Shae said softly. “It still feels like there is a hole in my heart where she should be.” She had survived so much pain and had dealt with things her own way, but on this, she would defer to his wisdom and experience. A few more tears sprang to her eyes, but these she was able to banish by wiping them away. “I know you must be hurting too, but I also know you’re trying to stay strong for me. You don’t have to be strong if you need a moment for your own grief.”

That did it. Callus laughed, quietly and bitterly. “Shae,” he said, still smiling, stroking her hair again, “being strong for you is how I did grieve. Being with you. With Eva. With Eoin. You and Aoife got me through losing Vic. If not for you, I don’t know what would’ve happened.”

At that, without even thinking, he pulled his shirt off and dropped it on the floor, moving to the other side of the bed. To hell with the time of day. To hell with Milne if she wanted something. Their family needed each other right here, right now. Just a few moments later, Callus got into bed beside Shae, cuddling up behind her.

“Do you remember that first night?” he whispered into her ear. “On Mars?”

“Of course I remember, you stared at my butt,” Shae answered with a blush. “I was so embarrassed, I can’t believe Sophia set us up like that!”

“You do have an excellent ass,” Cailus remarked wryly, unable to help himself. He then looked at Eoin and Eva over Shae’s shoulder. “That first night. You, me and Aoife. That meant more to me than you know. Every night we’re together, every night with the kids, it means everything. Before that, I was...dead. Just a dead man walking. You woke me up, you and Aoife. So we do the same for each other now. We’re together. Always.”

“Together, always,” Shae echoed with resolve, then she managed to turn just enough to seal their little promise with a quick kiss.