[AU] Letting It All Go

Posted on Mon Jun 22nd, 2020 @ 6:15am by Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Kalin Brennan-Griffin PhD
Edited on on Fri Jul 10th, 2020 @ 4:59pm

Mission: Divided We Fall
Location: Cailus and Shae’s Quarters
Timeline: immediately following 'Boiling Over'

A Mission Post by Lieutenant Kalin 'Shae' Brennan-Griffin PhD & Lieutenant Cailus Griffin
Mission: Divided We Fall
Location: Cailus and Shae’s Quarters
Timeline: immediately following 'Boiling Over'

The incident in the observation lounge had been awful. There was simply no getting around it. The entire way back to their quarters, Cailus could see that growing, nawing guilt in how Shae walked, as if she wanted to find the deepest, darkest corner aboard and bury herself in it. He saw how she didn’t make eye contact with anyone as they walked the halls, not even Fick, their closest friend among the crew besides Nyx. Losing control of her rage and frustration, especially in front of an infant, had been shameful for Shae in the worst way possible.

And worst of all, deep down in a place that made him ashamed as well, Cailus couldn’t help but feel, despite his best efforts, that she ought to be ashamed for losing her temper in front of an innocent infant.

Still, he sought to bury that feeling as he gently led Shae into the office that was currently serving as their quarters. “How is your back?” Cailus asked so quietly that it was only a whisper.

"It's alright," Shae replied equally as soft, still unable to meet his gaze; the real problem was her head, it was throbbing! She moved to sit on the emergency cot that served as their bed, then flopped back on it, draping an arm over her eyes, not only to block him from looking at her but also to hide the tears forming in her eyes because felt awful about her behavior, it had been such a shameful display!

Knowing full well what was happening underneath that forearm, Cailus ached for her. Still, forcibly reminded of just how hard he’d slammed her against that bulkhead, he instead reached for the small medkit stored underneath the cot, opening it and pulling out a hypospray and tricorder.

“At least let me have a look at your back,” Cailus said as softly as he could, sitting down next to Shae. “Come on, shirt off.”

With a shuddering sigh, Shae quickly dried her eyes then sat up to peel the sweat-soggy shirt off her skin and over her head. She pulled her hair over her shoulder to expose her back, and hung her head in shame as she let Cailus give her a once-over with the tricorder. "I'm so sorry," she said in a small voice. "You must be so disgusted with me, and I wouldn't blame you, I'm so ashamed of how I acted."

“It’s hardly the first time we’ve been through this,” Cailus commented quietly, running the tricorder over her bare back and noting with the relief that the only damage was some bruising. Taking a small purple-lit cylindrical device out of the medkit, he carefully ran it over Shae’s back, which was already starting to redden alarmingly. If given enough time without treatment her back would become a mosaic of purple bruises, but Cailus could mitigate the impact of the injury. “Your body is betraying you in a way that few species can possibly understand, so you aren’t responsible for your actions right now. I forgave you the first time, and I forgive you now.”

"I had enough presence of mind to know that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop the words that were coming out of my mouth!" Shae confessed, the pitch of her voice slowly rising as she fought the urge to cry. She wasn't even going to try to deny the feelings, that jealousy and that anger was something she had felt before, but never in her wildest imaginings would she ever think of giving those feelings a voice, or that she would get so aggressive with Krysia over it.

After loading a hypospray with a muscle relaxant, Cailus pressed it against the line of Shae’s spine, the spray releasing its usual hiss to indicate a successful injection “You lost your temper,” he said evenly with exaggerated patience. “Really, Shae, it’s hardly a court martial offence. I know how much seeing Kaleri and Smith with their baby hurts.”

"The blanket still smells like Aoife," Shae said as she finally broke, letting herself cry. "Oh stars, I miss her, Cailus! I miss her so much and I'm scared! What if she shut down after we disappeared? I know my family is probably doing their best to make her happy, but her nightmares, no one understands her or her fears like we do!"

Cailus had seen the tears coming, so he didn’t hesitate to shift closer, wrapping an arm around Shae’s shoulders to pull her towards him. “It’s alright, love, let it out,” he said gruffly, now properly understanding what had set Shae off. The scent of Aoife in the blanket that Aurora was wrapped in must’ve been hellish, and that only brought to mind Cailus’ own memories of Aoife, that happy smile and her wagging tail and her musical laugh. Oh blast it, how he’d give anything just to change her reeking diaper again!

“Hush now, baby, hush,” he mumbled senselessly as Shae sobbed. “Our little one is strong and brave, just like her mom.”

Shae was so unbearably hot, if she hadn't needed this bit of contact for comfort then she would have pushed him away! "She must have been so scared! How long did she cry for us before accepting that we wouldn't be coming back? And how much longer will Starfleet keep searching before they give up on ever finding us?" Shae continued to sob. "And then there's Kaleri acting like we can have a real life stuck in here! I know she's just trying to make the best of a terrible situation, but it makes me so angry, like she has what she wants so what need does she have to get out; but what kind of parent can be content knowing their child will never have friends to play with or someone to fall in love with? It's not fair!"

“No, it isn’t,” Cailus grumbled in frustrated agreement, because now Shae’s thoughts echoed his own with painful similarity. He would never say it, could never say it as a neutral enforcer of law and order, but Smith and Kaleri’s carelessness truly irked him. Holding Shae now, feeling her turmoil, he had to work much harder than usual to push down his own anger.

Shae was too blinded by her own emotions to see how this was affecting her beloved mate, and she continued to sob until she ran dry; she was so distraught that even her instinct felt the need to grieve, such that she didn't notice how good he smelled, nor did she consider jumping him as she was usually driven to do during her hormonal cycles. But the fact was that she was still hormonal, her body temperature still raging, and now that she had cried herself dry she was unbelievably thirsty, and she had a headache so bad that she started to whimper softly. Yet somehow underneath it all, she felt better; while it was true that she had behaved horrendously, those emotions had been weighing her down, suffocating her from the inside out, so getting them all out she suddenly felt unburdened. She would have to deal with the repercussions and shame of her actions for days to come, but for the moment she felt better.

"I'm sorry," she said once again, even though Cailus had already tried to dismiss her earlier apology. "I'm sorry for behaving so shamefully and putting you in a position where you had to be so forceful with me, and I'm sorry for only thinking of myself when I should have considered how this would affect you," she continued as her senses continued to return to her. Her voice sounded dry and tired. "I have been a terrible mate..."

Cailus grunted in amusement, smiling despite himself as his chin rested on Shae’s head. “It is so like you to apologise after your husband just slammed you into a bulkhead. Now stop being silly, Shae, you’re too hard on yourself. One mistake is irrelevant compared to the wonderful person you are every day.” Cailus was sorely tempted to kiss Shae then, even tilting his head down to hers, before he remembered how compromised she was. “Tomorrow you can deal with the aftermath of all this, and I’ll support you no matter what happens. For now, let’s just get through this. Do you want anything? Food, water, a shower?”

"Ugh, I need a shower, but I'm out of energy credits for the week... and shite, I dropped our food and water for tonight!" Shae growled in frustration with herself. "I'm so sorry..."

“Still apologising,” Cailus commented with amusement as he carefully untangled from Shae and stood up. “Get yourself into that shower, lieutenant. Your need is greater than mine, and I can go without for a couple of days easily enough. It’d hardly be the first time, after all. By the time you finish, I’ll be back with dinner.”

"Thank you, dearheart," Shae replied, holding his hand for a moment before bringing it to her lips to kiss it; given her downtrodden emotional state, she didn't think it was possible to get frisky, but she didn't want to tempt herself by trying to steal a real kiss.


Outside in the corridor, a petite Asian woman in Starfleet red sniffled as she listened to their exchange through the door. When she heard that Cailus had to go back out to get their rations, she dried her face and quickly made her way to the nearest cross corridor where she disappeared into another empty office to wait for Cailus to come through and pass her by. Once the corridor was clear, she exited the office and headed as far away from Cailus and Shae as she could.