[AU] The Price of Hope

Posted on Mon Jun 22nd, 2020 @ 11:18pm by Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Kalin Brennan-Griffin PhD
Edited on on Fri Jul 10th, 2020 @ 5:08pm

Mission: Divided We Fall
Location: Various
Timeline: After "The Hermit"

A Mission Post by Lieutenant Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Kalin 'Shae' Brennan-Griffin PhD
Mission: Divided We Fall
Location: Various
Timeline: After "The Hermit"
Sat Sep 1st, 2018 @ 12:05am

[WARNING] This post contains references to self-harm. It is not intentional self-harm, but rather the byproduct of a writing compulsion, but this may still be sensitive to certain viewers. Please proceed with caution. [/WARNING]


It had become a regular thing now. For six weeks now, Cailus was spending most of his time in the tunnels with Shae, watching over her as she frantically worked through the problem unravelling in her mind. The group of five mathematicians and physicists were all working as hard as they could to keep up, but the speed of Shae’s calculations was almost beyond belief. The formerly pristine Jefferies tubes, once skillfully crafted in the Luna shipyards back at Sol, were now covered in mathematical graffiti that was etched into every single surface. They had tried to give Shae a PADD, even a makeshift pen and paper, but her damaged psyche couldn’t accept an alternative writing method, so she kept on scratching.

The brainiacs, as the group were nicknamed by the others, at least knew what Shae was getting at and its tremendous importance to them all. As Krysia explained at one point to Cailus, Shae’s mathematical proof might even be valuable back at home where interdimensional physics were still so poorly understood. Thus, in an extraordinary gesture of compassion, the group decided to help Cailus watch over his ailing wife during her psychosis. Despite the awful smell, irritating sound of scratching and the uncomfortable confines of the tunnels, they all stayed with Shae in shifts, ensuring that she was supervised at all times.

It was Cailus’ turn this evening. He was aching all over after four hours in the tunnel where Shae was scratching her latest work, where he had little to do but try to read a novel on his PADD, and he was already aching to go to his comfortable bunk. On occasion he would peek at Shae’s latest calculations, but as was usually the case, the numbers and letters meant little. This time, though, something caught his eye. Shae was lying down on her back as she scratched into the ceiling with an improvised knife (something they had managed to get her to use when she’s worked her claws down until they cracked and bled), and it had been so very long since he’d seen Shae in proper lighting, but from that angle…

Carefully, he moved his hand to the ragged shirt that protected Shae’s skant dignity, hiking it up to below her breasts. Sure enough, his eyes had seen it: scratch marks in her skin. They were difficult to see in the poor lighting of the Jefferies tube, but after activating the PADD’s light, Cailus’ eyes widened in horror. The scratch marks on her stomach were light, but they looked as if they were made into shapes. Letters. Numbers.

“Damn it, Shae,” Cailus whispered, tracing his hand over the markings. They were probably too light to scar, but even so, it looked horrible. Moisture began to form in his eye as he examined her, only now truly understanding just how far this latest obsession had taken her.

At the tone of his whisper, Shae’s ears drooped, and she drew her hands closer and tried to push her shirt back down. Somewhere at the farthest fringes of her mind, she knew it had been foolish to scratch the equations into herself, but she had run out of places to work! And the numbers wouldn’t stop, she wanted them to stop, but they just kept coming, she couldn’t keep up with all of them! Her hands shaking from fatigue, she continued scratching more figures into the ceiling.

As Shae continued, Cailus’s eyes hardened, his expression becoming cold and resolute. “Shae,” he commanded firmly, a tone that he had never used with her. Ignoring his protesting back, Cailus shifted onto his knees, shuffling closer to look down at Shae. “You need to come with me, Shae,” he said, reaching out to grasp one of Shae’s hands. “Please. You need to come with me.”

Shae whimpered as she tried to pull her hand free, but she had grown so weak in recent days that she couldn’t fight him. But she- She had to keep working, the numbers wouldn’t stay this clear forever! But his cold gaze pierced through her and after a moment she finally loosened her grip on her knife and let him take it from her. She sat up, supporting herself with shaky arms, but she kept looking at her equations, whining softly as she fretted over losing what was currently in her head.

Following Shae’s longing look, Cailus’ frown deepened at how much she cared for the numbers, how much she ignored him. Even so, he buried his jealousy. “Shae, I’m going to take you somewhere where you can write the numbers as much as you want. You just...you just have to trust me, love.” He reached out with his other hand to nudge her cheek. “Please Shae, just...understand me. You have to follow me. Come with me. Please. You can write the equations as much as you want there, I promise.”

As much as he implored, his words just never seemed to reach her, but his tone did, his voice ever soothing to her ears even with his stern command earlier, and after a moment of hesitation Shae finally started to move, following Cailus when he started to lead her out.

It took a long while, with Shae often stopping, distracted, but eventually, Cailus led her out of the tunnels. After Shae finally pushed herself out into the corridor, falling to the deck in an exhausted heap, Cailus wordlessly bent down, tucked his arms under her shoulders and thighs and picked her up. Even as light as Shae was, his bones ached, but Cailus didn’t care as he set off down the corridor towards the lift shaft.

Shae was finally coming home.

For Shae, it didn’t feel like coming home. For years now, her den had been her home, but she didn’t have the strength to fight Cailus anymore. All she cared about now were the numbers and making them stop. She just wanted them to stop! But as much as she wanted to keep working, part of her was grateful to her mate for making her stop; she was tired and hungry, and she found it easier to take a small respite when her beloved mate was near, and so she relaxed in his arms with a tired sigh; perhaps she could close her eyes for just a moment…

A moment would become several hours; when Shae finally woke, the lights were dim and she was resting comfortably in a warm bed, safe in the arms of her mate. She had forgotten what this felt like, the comfort of laying with her mate. Turning in Cailus’ arms, she turned her sleepy gaze onto him, admiring the features of his face as though it was the first time she’d seen him. It was so strange, there was something different about him, but for the life of her, Shae couldn’t figure out what had changed! Sighing softly, Shae dismissed this notion and nuzzled into his neck, her mind calm and content for the first time in weeks. As her mind grew more alert, she realized that she was wearing new clothes, and she had been bathed and the scratches on her body had been tended to; mmmm, that felt nice, being clean, she should probably bathe more often…

The next morning, Cailus was starting to allow himself to feel hope again. He had gone to sleep on the bed next to Shae, allowing her to sleep unencumbered from him, but upon waking, he found her snuggled comfortably against his chest. The obsession with the numbers seemed to have faded too, as in contrast to how she had been in the tunnels, Shae didn’t immediately leap to the walls to resume her etching into the walls, but instead sat at the table with him, eating her breakfast as if it was any other day.

Shae was so ravenous, she ended up eating enough of the rations to feed three people! Oh, but it felt so good to be full! The downside to which was she suddenly felt groggy again and ended up slipping into a post-meal nap, although this time the numbers didn’t stay away, and her sleep became fitful as she began fretting over the strange figures running through her head. Snapping back to full alertness, her agitation was clear as she searched for her writing tool, becoming truly dismayed when she could find neither the knife or a way to get out of the room Cailus had trapped her in. The numbers were coming faster, she had to keep writing, and so once again she resorted to using her body as a canvas, using what was left of her claws to start scratching the figures into her arm.

In a horrible example of poor timing, Cailus had been busy in the bathroom, and upon walking back into the room, he darted to Shae with swiftness belying his age, crouching down grasping her hands before she could cause more damage. “Shae, no,” he chastised her gently, even if his eyes were pained. “You can’t do that, okay? You cannot hurt yourself, it isn’t worth it.”

Shae whimpered as she tried to free her hands; there were so many numbers, it felt like her head was about to burst! “Help,” she managed to croak out as she started to sob, wishing the numbers would just go away so she could stop hurting herself, and by extension her mate as well.

“Shae…” Cailus whispered in a distraught tone, so very nearly at his wits’ end after weeks on end. He placed his forehead against Shae’s, trying desperately to think of an alternative, anything, anything to help her come out of this, but there was no magic solution, no simple fix. Standing back up, he made a raw guttural sound of sheer frustration at the ceiling, running his hand over his face, before slowly, reluctantly, he accepted the inevitable.

Hating himself all the more for enabling her, Cailus went to the bunk and reached underneath it, pulling out a razor sharp combat knife from a concealed pocket. Sick to his stomach, he went to Shae and pulled her up from her chair, guiding her to one of the walls before gently putting the knife in her hand.

“There you go, love,” he muttered with a tortured tone. “Go on, now, the wall is right there.”

There was a visible shudder of relief that ran through Shae when she felt the weight of the knife in her hand. Without further prompting, Shae immediately started carving. After a moment, she paused, leaning forward to rest her forehead against the wall, another small sob escaping her; she didn’t want to do this anymore, but she couldn’t stop, and she was trying, she just couldn’t get the numbers to stop, and so she gave in and straightened up so she could continue carving.

Weeks would pass and still the carving would continue. The upside was that Cailus had a little more in control over Shae, getting her to take breaks and eat regularly, and the corridors where she continued carving were much easier on his body than the cramped tunnels. The downside was that Shae was starting to fight the urge to carve the endless equations into the walls; it was simply too exhausting, but the more she fought it the more agitated she would become, so much so that Cailus had little choice but to encourage her to keep working just so that she wouldn’t harm herself or the people around her. Somewhere deep inside, it was agony for Shae, not just because she wanted to stop, but because she knew she was hurting Cailus with this compulsion.

Shae would finally know relief nearly a month later. She was carving away at a patch of wall in the Observation Lounge when suddenly the numbers stopped. Paul had been watching her and documenting the writing, and just when he was about to call for Krysia to take over, Shae dropped her knife and started sobbing in relief. Fearing that she might have hurt herself, Paul called for Louis and Cailus, only to find that she was fine, or at least as well as could be under the circumstances. While Cailus took his wife back to their quarters to let her rest, Paul took the last of the equations to the Brainiac Squad to see how it all fit together.

Later that evening, once the brains had had a chance to make some sense of the equation, Paul came around to the Ready Room and knocked to deliver their report. The pieces were falling into place, and they finally had some understanding of what Shae had been working on all this time!

As luck would have it, Cailus and Shae were both fast asleep on the bunk when Paul arrived. While once Cailus and Shae would’ve been on their feet in the space of few seconds, now it took a good minute before the knocking even woke Cailus up, while Shae merely continued to doze comfortably. Groggily, Cailus got up from the bed and pulled on a yellow shirt before thoughtfully pulling the blanket up to cover Shae’s nakedness, and only then did he get to the door.

“Paul,” Cailus greeted the man with a curt nod as the silver doors slid open to reveal the quiet Bridge. It had been years since he’d called anyone by their rank, even if many of them still called him ‘sir’ or ‘lieutenant’ out of respect. “I take it that you’ve made some progress on the equations?”

“We have,” Paul said with excitement, handing him a PADD with the full equation and their initial run of calculations. “We’re still uncertain about a few of the variable, but if we’ve got this thing arranged right and we’re plugging in what we do know correctly, then our initial calculations are indicating that in our native universe we’ve only been missing a matter of weeks. And we’re talking ‘single digit’ weeks. We’re trying to refine that to something more precise, but it’s still slow going without an expert in astrophysics to tell us exactly what it all means.”

“Weeks,” Cailus repeated, his eyes wide. He glanced down at the PADD, but even though he understood isolated segments, the majority of the equations were beyond his comprehension. Still, weeks!? “You’re sure,” he insisted, glaring at Paul demandingly, “that this can’t be a miscalculation or an error? On your part, or on Shae’s?”

“Honestly, this is so far beyond anything the Brainiacs know, there’s no way we can be 100% certain of anything,” Paul replied. “But we have to trust Shae’s math as accurate because right now I don’t think she could tell us if we’re wrong, and barring that, we feel confident enough in our results that we’re starting to hope; if it’s only been weeks, then they’re still looking for us!”

Cailus nodded in stunned agreement. “Yes. They could all still be out there. The ship, the crew, the galaxy that we knew. Our loved ones.” He glanced to the side where Shae slept as grim realisation struck. “That’s why she’s been so obsessed with this. Shae wanted to know if Aoife could still be out there, and she couldn’t rest until she knew that our daughter might one day be with us again. It’s what fuelled her through all this, even if her consciousness couldn’t quite understand it.”

Taking a deep breath, Cailus turned back to Paul, his wrinkled old face now back to his habitual sternness. Behind Paul, the people working on the Bridge were very conspicuously trying not to eavesdrop, although Cailus was past caring. “Thank you, Paul. Please go ahead and spread the word. You’ve all done excellent work. If you run into Sasha or Takada, please tell them to arrange a celebration up here on the Bridge. We could all use it.”

“Yes sir!” Paul said with great pride. “And we’ll keep working on the equation as time permits,” he added with a solemn smile; just because they now had hope didn’t mean they would stop trying to learn everything they could from this equation, which had come at such a great cost to both Shae and Cailus.

After Paul left to spread the good news, Cailus went back to Shae, sitting on the bunk beside her as she slept facing him. Smiling sadly, he lightly stroked her shoulder as he watched her sleep, glad to finally understand what had been driving Shae these past few months.

Unfortunately, while Shae had been inspired by little Zachary’s visit to calculate the mathematics of their situation, it hadn’t sparked a return to sanity. Despite Cailus’ best efforts to help Shae reintegrate with the others in the following days, her shattered mind simply wasn’t up to the task. Soon enough, just as he’d originally predicted, Shae even began to deteoriate in their quarters, becoming ever more agitated at being confined in such a small area. Thus, just as had happened a lifetime ago after Madeline, Cailus was forced to accept the inevitable, guiding Shae back to her den in the tunnels where she could return to her old routine.

It became even more difficult for him in the years afterwards. Desperately lonely and increasingly ill-tempered, Cailus often had to work hard to remember the bright, wonderful woman whom he’d married compared to the tragically broken individual whom he visited every day. Even so he kept seeing her, kept bringing her food, kept protecting Shae as best as he could despite the hardships of living in the Bubble. The children, none of whom remembered the old Shae, came to regard her as an eccentric wild woman to be avoided,while the community as a whole simply avoided her.

Even so, at the firm insistence of their acting captain, none of them were permitted to forget what Shae did. With the knowledge that they weren’t abandoned, that their loved ones were still just as they all remembered back home, hope burned anew after Shae’s discovery. More important, however, Cailus never let anyone forget the awful price that Shae had paid to give them that hope.

END