The Big L Word

Posted on Sun Jun 21st, 2020 @ 4:25am by Lieutenant Kalin Brennan-Griffin PhD & Cailus Griffin
Edited on on Wed Jun 24th, 2020 @ 7:47am

Mission: New Moon Rising
Location: Various
Timeline: Current

In the warm darkness of Shae's quarters, the gentle sound of a Gaelic song rippled through the bedroom as it did every morning at 0630. Cailus drifted back to consciousness reluctantly at the odd-sounding words, more of a lullaby than the kind of raucous alarm he preferred in his own quarters, and he took a deep breath to clear his foggy mind.

As he woke, he noted the sensation of Shae's tail on his leg, her hair tickling his face; she had apparently turned away from him while sleeping. Not unusual, given how exhausted Shae had been the previous night; she had fallen asleep practically the moment she lay on the bed after settling Aoife down in her crib. Still blinking his eyes awake, Cailus considered Shae's white hair, then frowned in surprise as her breathing continued at the same, slow pace. Of all the mornings they had woken up with each other, this was the first that he could remember Shae sleeping through her own alarm.

Reaching over with his left hand he tenderly took hold of Shae's shoulder, rubbing it slowly with his thumb. "Time to wake up, Lieutenant," he whispered, his deep voice inserting the tiniest hint of command.

"Don't wanna," Shae grumbled with a hint of a distressed whine, curling into a ball as she fought against a bout of nausea. "You wake up if you think it's such a good idea." Stars above, she felt terrible today!

Sitting up and stretching, Cailus turned regarded the reluctant woman with bemusement as she burrowed deeper under the blankets. He'd never taken Shae for a bed-hogger, but then again, everyone had those kind of mornings, even Starfleet officers.

"I hate to say it, Shae, but this is one thing you have to do on your own. " A particularly devilish thought struck, and Cailus stealthily sneaked his other hand under the blankets towards her back. "Unless you actually want some help getting up..."

Shite, she felt so bad, she was tempted to bite his hand! "No, that's not really necessary," Shae said with a sigh, then sluggishly managed to get herself upright, swaying as she blinked the sleep from her eyes. This certainly was a first, she never turned down a frisky Cailus! "Goodness, I think I need to take a day off..."

In an instant, Cailus' mischief transformed into concern. Standing up, still wearing only his normal loose pants for sleeping, he moved around the bed to crouch down next to her. "Lights," he ordered, and upon seeing Shae fully, he frowned. She really did seem off-colour, and her tail was downright limp. "What's wrong?"

"Dunno... just tired," Shae replied with a slump of her shoulders. "I think I've just been working too much," she said around a jaw popping yawn. She had been working a lot of double shifts, and what little time she had afterwards was often consumed by Aoife and her very demanding needs, leaving very little time for Shae to take care of herself, and now she felt worn thin and so very run down. "I'll be alright, Cailus, I just need to schedule some time off, take a day, maybe two, to recharge I guess."

"Not a bad idea," Cailus agreed cautiously, although her words did little to soothe his concern. "Take it easy, okay? If you feel worse, don't hesitate to call me, or to go see Adaestron."

"I will, I promise," Shae said with a weak nod. Then with a helping hand from Cailus, she made it to her feet and started getting ready for the day, a day she had a feeling was going to be a rather long one...



A few hours later...

As always happened at 1200, the Pandora's Box was thrumming with people as they got to their meals. For some for it was breakfast for a new day, while for others, it was a late supper before some well-earned sleep. For Cailus, as he entered the Box, it was time for his usual lunch with Shae. He had been a little surlier than usual that morning to the distinct displeasure of the people he worked with, and was sincerely looking forward to seeing her. The image of Shae sitting at their usual table, smiling chirpily in greeting, perhaps with Aoife on her lap, had been a reassuring one all morning since he'd left her quarters.

Or it would've been, if it had matched with reality.

Instead the table was empty amidst the loud hustle and bustle of the Box, and Cailus' expression darkened as he took that disquieting sight in. Shae had missed lunches before, but never, ever without informing him. After a moment's thought he promptly turned and stepped into the corridor, waiting for the doors to close before tapping his combadge.

=/\=Griffin to Brennan,=/\= he said curtly, standing next to the door patiently for the answer that never came. Growing more and more worried, he tried again, and again, but to no avail.

Stamping down on what was quickly turning into a stomach-churning worry, Cailus took a breath before tapping the badge again, this time calling the computer for Shae's location. A passing ensign from Security gave him a curious look, obviously confused at seeing the Security Chief standing outside the Box's doors, but one cold look from Cailus was enough to send the poor boy scurrying for cover. He was in no mood for nonsense.

Shae, as the computer informed Cailus, was in her office, or more precisely the washroom attached to her office. As soon as Cailus arrived, he could hear water running in the sink and the telltale sound of retching; not that she had all that much to offer up by this point, the cup of chamomile she tried to drink was long since gone, but it seemed that once she had started she just couldn't stop! Cupping her hands under the running water to bring some to her lips, Shae gave her mouth a good swish to remove the taste of bile, then splashed some water on her face.

"Oh, heaven help me," she said softly as she felt the urge to heave building up once again.

Alarmed, Cailus hesitated in the middle of Shae's office, listening to the all too loud sounds of Shae's struggles. His hand hovered over his combadge; what the hell did you do in this situation? It wasn't an injury, or some sudden alien sickness. Nobody ever got sick quite like this any more, not even a hundred years ago. The only frame of reference he had was when Harriet had made those exact same sounds...

No, don't even go there, man. Do. Not. Go. There.

Clearing his head with a furious shake, Cailus instead slowly walked up to the door of the restroom, leaning against a bulkhead next to it. "Shae?" he said quietly, trusting her hearing to catch his words even through...whatever the hell was happening. "Do you want me to come in?"

"Oh stars!" Shae exclaimed in surprise. It wasn't often that anyone could catch her so utterly off guard, but she was so thoroughly distracted that she didn't even hear Callus come into her office! "C-Cailus, I'm so sorry, I was about to contact you, but-" She suddenly went quiet as her stomach cramped up again, but she managed to breathe through it instead of heaving into the sink again. "I think I'm okay now, you can come in," she added softly once the moment had passed, then splashed some more water on her face. Her hands were shaking and her knees felt so week! Maybe she should just call it a day, she was no good to anyone like this!

"Oh, bloody hell," Cailus said with a wince as the door slid open. She looked much, much worse than she had a mere few hours ago. He didn't waste any time moving over to her next to the sink, placing the cold prosthetic hand directly on her cheek without hesitation, trying hard not to react to the pungent aroma that lingered in the aftermath. "When did this start?"

"Only just; I was queasy this morning, but I honestly didn't think it would get this bad," Shae said, exhaling a sigh of relief at the cold of his hand on her face; Shae had a tendency to run a little warm, but she was a little warmer than usual, so the cool pressure he offered was quite welcomed. "Oh goodness, I don't think I've felt this bad since I was pregnant," she admitted with all the bluntness of Klingon warbird on a rampage.

Smiling gently in sympathy, Cailus opened his mouth to reply...and froze. His eyes grew wide and his mouth opened, even as his hand remained on Shae's cheek. He tried to say something in that sudden silence, but found himself utterly incapable, his mouth working soundlessly, the dour officer for once having lost all control. It was impossible, dammit, impossible, surely...it was damned impossible...just...impossible...

Shae's eyes were blissfully closed as she let his cool touch calm her down, so she failed to notice that he was trying to talk and failing. Though she did notice the silence stretching on after a moment.

"Cailus?" she said, opening her eyes to see an absolutely gobsmacked Cailus standing speechless before her. "Are... are you alright?" she asked with some hesitation. Stars above, she wasn't contagious!

Withdrawing the hand from her cheek to run it through his beard, Cailus closed his eyes briefly, his mind whirling at her words. Opening them again, looking directly into Shae's slit pupils, he whispered slowly, "You don't think...?"

"Think what?" Shae asked, leaning against the sink counter before her knees could finally give out on her. She was still a bit dazed, so she wasn't really following his train of thought.

Taking a deep, ragged breath, forcing himself to recover through sheer willpower, Cailus moved to support her by the shoulders; even with her odd knees, Shae was plainly unsteady, and if she actually was...

Oh, sweet bloody hell of hells...

"Come on, you'll...you'll want to sit down," Cailus muttered weakly as he held her. "Hell, I need to sit down..."

"Cailus..." Shae said with a sigh as he helped her to her desk chair, then pulled up another chair for himself. "Okay, now get on with it; I'm not dying, so whatever is running through your head can't be all that bad," she said, letting a bit more of her Irish personality slip out.

Sitting down heavily, Cailus sighed wearily. "That depends on your point of view," he said grimly. Finally, Cailus simply said the dreaded word. "You said that you haven't felt this bad since you were...pregnant."

"Yeah, I was too young to be carrying a child and my hormones were all over the place-" she recounted, then stopped as the realization of what he was getting at finally hit her. If her stomach wasn't so cramped, she probably would have laughed, but instead she reached out to cup his cheeks with her hands, then leaned to give him a kiss. "I'm sorry, but you really are a silly, silly man..." Shae finally said. "I'm not pregnant, Cailus," she assured him. "Though I am somewhat wondering why you are equating pregnancy with dying," she added as she stroked a cheek with her thumb.

Eyes crinkling, Cailus felt a powerful urge to bow his head, to withdraw, but he forced himself to stay still, to look her into those eternally compassionate eyes, no matter what. "It hurts," he whispered, his voice rough, the kiss having opened the floodgates. "I don't know if I could ever...it's...I can't even say it." Reaching up, he took Shae's hands in his own more on impulse than thought, quaking ever so slightly as his imagination relentlessly forged ahead.

"It still happens with Aoife," Cailus admitted, his eyes watering at the overwhelming shame of those words. "There are times when it just comes out of the blue and hits me, and I can barely breathe or move or do anything. I love that little girl so much, but it still hurts just like when they told me, and if it's like that for Aoife, then I don't...I just don't..."

Shae offered him a warm, compassionate smile as he poured out his heart to her, holding his hands tightly to be the rock he so desperately needed right now, even though she was shaking about as bad as he was but for entirely different reasons.

"I know," she said softly. "I know you try to hide it, but I still see the effects of what's happened to you, I know it still knocks the breath out of you, but it's okay... I still see you through all that. I've accepted that it may take a long time for this to stop hurting you so much, and I will be here for you for as long as you will have me," she assured him as best she could. "Now, as to future little ones, I can promise you that I'm not ready for another one either. And as far as 'accidents' go, I know human women have a monthly cycle, but my cycle is a bit different, the opportunities for me to get pregnant only happen a few times a year and I can guarantee that you will notice when it happens, but as long as you're taking your monthly injections then we have nothing to worry about."

Reassured, and impossibly thankful, Cailus wiped his eyes before frowning at that last sentence. "What monthly injections?" he asked in confusion.

"Oh stars above, then we are both so lucky we haven't had an 'accident' already..." Shae said with a forced laugh, wincing as this irritated her still sore stomach. She sighed and leaned forward to rest her forehead against his. "The Federation has had male contraceptive for some time now, a monthly injection that's become something of a standard on starships. I'm a fool, I should have checked that you knew about it, but it's not something you think about all the time, so it didn't occur to me to ask. I'm sorry."

Bemused, Cailus angled up and kissed Shae's forehead, if only so she couldn't see his pained wince. "Contraceptives weren't invented yesterday, Shae, just made easier. I should've thought about it too. I always assumed that our physiologies were so different that it wouldn't matter. I was an idiot, and I should've thought about it more. A lot more." With a sigh he leaned back slightly, pushing Shae gently away so they could see each other.

"Now that we've both scared the hell out of each other," Cailus whispered with his subtle, dry humour, "how about I get you to Sickbay? I'm sorry, love, but you look terrible."

"I feel pretty terrible," Shae admitted with a sigh. "I think I know what this is; I think it's the treatments Dr. Kolbeck started me on. Remember back on Earth when I said I was broken inside? I didn't mean that just emotionally or psychologically, I am quite literally broken inside and Dr Kolbeck took notice of it when I went in for my physical. It's never shown up in my physicals before because I can hide it, just as I was hiding as a human... Anyway, I wasn't hiding it anymore and he offered me a treatment to try to fix the damage, just these injections to start, and I would get one anytime I took Aoife down to Sickbay for her physical therapy; they've been causing terrible hormone shifts but they are working. I wasn't trying to hide this from you, I just... guess there was so much going on that I simply never got around to telling you. But between that and being overworked, I think it's become more than I can deal with," she confessed. It wasn't until after she stopped talking that she realized something even more important than therapies and contraceptives: did he just call her 'love'?! Wait, he said it earlier too, about Aoife!

Listening patiently, Cailus nodded as she spoke, returning to his usual stern self in the face of a more concrete problem. The news that Shae had physical problems as a result of her past was disturbing, and more than a bit painful, but also not unexpected. "Kolbeck got transferred to the Palatine after the battle to get better treatment, so he won't be able to help. It'll have to be Adaestron. Either way, I'm here for you if you need me." Standing up, he raised his eyebrows in teasing challenge. "Until then...walk, carry or beam?"

"Carry me? Ooh, that would be positively scandalous! As if the Science department didn't already know we were together, we could let the whole ship know!" Shae said with false bravado to try to hide some of her discomfort, and also the fact that it felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest after her realization that Cailus loved her! "But I think I can walk, I just might be a wee bit slow," she said, standing slowly.

"If the whole ship doesn't already know, I'll be amazed," Cailus said with gruff amusement as he offered his arm to Shae, a dignified middle ground. For all of his teasing, Cailus still had an image to maintain towards the rest of crew, although he noted sourly that Shae was attacking that image with gusto every day.

Shae smiled as she looped her arm in his and used him for support as they started walking together. "So... you love Aoife... and me?" she said softly with what would have been a lovely blush had she not been so pale at the moment, aiming this torpedo of feels right into his heart. So much for public image!

The torpedo struck home, and in the corridor, no less, but Cailus was too flabbergasted to care. After one shock after the other in the last few minutes his mind was little more than jelly, and he looked down at Shae with dumb amazement.

"I...what? When...?" he said stupidly, completely blindsided.

"No, you said it, I heard it, no take-backs," Shae insisted firmly.

Blinking rapidly as they stood there, Cailus looked away, stunned even as Shae hung on to his arm, no doubt restraining the urge to burst into giggles. "I did?" he said to himself in confusion, mentally rewinding furiously before realisation struck. "Well. Damn. I suppose I did."

Glancing each way down the corridor to confirm that they were quite alone, he suddenly swooped down and kissed her passionately, one hand cradling her cheek. After a long moment of that, smiling against her lips, he released her, working to remove that idiotic grin as quickly as possible before some unfortunate crewmen passed by.

"Well, Lieutenant Brennan," he said with mock sternness, "I think we can now say it's official. I am irrevocably in love with you. Now, can we please get to Sickbay before you collapse and I have to carry you? My love has limits, after all."

"No it doesn't," Shae said with a knowing smile, sounding quite breathless in the wake of his kiss, then she simply kept walking. He really was wonderful...