The Past And The Present

Posted on Sun Jun 21st, 2020 @ 3:47am by Lieutenant Kalin Brennan-Griffin PhD & Cailus Griffin
Edited on on Wed Jun 24th, 2020 @ 6:56am

Mission: New Moon Rising
Location: Cailus' Quarters
Timeline: The evening after "Be Happy Children"

It was early in the ship day, when Cailus was busy with paperwork in his office, that the subspace call came through. The annoying beep actually confused him for a moment. It was a lower pitch than an intership call, but who could be calling him? Sophia? Or her husband? It seemed unlikely; both were extremely busy. With a shrug, Cailus tapped the 'accept' symbol.

The face that appeared on the wall-mounted display behind him was not one that Cailus recognised. The man was middle aged, with lines just starting to crease his Asiatic features. The window behind him showed a thriving thoroughfare, with a huge sun blazing in the cyan sky. "Mr Cailus Griffin?"

"Yes?" Cailus answered bluntly with a frown.

"Mr Griffin, my name is Anh-Lo Han. I am the deputy director of the Centauri-Sato Institute." Glancing down at something out of sight, the man looked back up at Cailus with a professionally detached look. "We have a message for you."


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Later that day...
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Shae entered the gym after what felt like a day that would not end. After Aoife's bout of nightmares, she was ultra clingy today, which meant Shae had to work out of her office as the Captain suggested to keep Aoife with her so the child would not work herself into another panic. Now, it was the end of the day and Shae just wanted to go back to her quarters for a nap, but she and Cailus were supposed to meet in the gym for a workout. After going through the locker room to change into some workout clothes, Cailus still wasn't here yet; assuming he was probably just caught up with work, Shae decided to enjoy this moment to herself and hop on the treadmill for a run. It wasn't unusual for her to go for a run after a stressful day, though usually she preferred the freedom of the holodeck where she could run through the forest and feel a little wild, but in a pinch a treadmill worked too. She started running, increasing her pace until she was right where she wanted to be. Slowly, the stresses of the day began to slip away as the elation of running ran through her. She didn't know how long she was running or how much distance she managed to cover, but she was somewhat aware of people coming and going, and eventually she came to the realization that Cailus was not coming. Slowing her pace to a light jog and then a walk to help her cool down, Shae glanced around the gym one last time to make sure she hadn't missed him somewhere, then tapped on her commbadge.

"Brennan to Griffin," she called out casually as she walked, her voice winded but not breathless.

It took a few moments before there was any answer, and even then, the voice that answered was an empty, almost dead monotone. =/\=Griffin here.=/\=

At the sound of his voice, Shae immediately shut off her treadmill to come to a halt. "Cailus? Cailus, what's the matter?' she said with concern.

Again, there was a brief silence. =/\=I missed the gym, didn't I?=/\= Cailus was quite plainly trying to inject energy into his voice, although there was a hoarseness and lethargy there that couldn't be masked. =/\=Sorry. I forgot. Just go ahead and continue without me. I'll see you tomorrow.=/\=

"Forget about the gym," Shae said, striding over to a wall panel to get Cailus' location in the ship. "I'm more concerned about you, what's wrong?" she asked. The wall panel gave a readout of his location, which happened to be his quarters. Not waiting for a response, Shae left the gym, still covered in sweat from her run, and headed for his quarters. Something was terribly wrong for him to sound this way!

A deep sigh came over the comn. =/\=I'm fine, Shae. Really. I'll be fine. It'll pass. You've had enough to deal with without my mess. Griffin out.=/\=

Well that just wouldn't do! Cailus had helped Shae and Aoife through a very difficult time, she could do no less for him! She made no attempt to try to reach him again over the communicator, instead she made her way through the ship to his quarters as quickly as she could, ringing the chime as soon as she reached his door.

Beyond the door, there was a muted curse. A few seconds later, with plain bitterness, came the command: "Enter."

As it turned out, Cailus' quarters looked perfectly fine, if a little empty. The main room was utterly devoid of decoration save a plain painting of an alien city on one wall and a small picture of a starship on the only table.

Cailus wasn't in a chair, or standing anywhere in the room, but instead sat on the deck next to the viewport. With one knee drawn up to his chest and his shoulder set against the bulkhead below the viewport, Cailus looked downright pathetic. His grey uniform was rumpled, his normally neat hair ruffled, and as Cailus turned to his head drearily to peer at Shae, he shook his head.

"Figured you'd come," he said sourly. As he spoke, Cailus rolled a small isolinear chip with his left hand, fidgeting subconsciously. "Shouldn't have. I'll be fine. Just need time."

"Time is fine," Shae said as she strode over to where he sat on the deck, her eyes sad as she took in the site of him. She stood over him for a moment, then lowered herself to the deck to sit beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder. She didn't ask him what was wrong, she had already asked and he chose not to say, so she wouldn't ask him again, instead hoping that her mere presence would be enough for whatever he needed in this moment.

If anything Shae's presence made Cailus feel worse, like hot water on a open wound. Even after everything they'd shared, it still stung for her to see him like this. "I thought I was ready," he said dully. "I had it all planned out, every minute of the day. Finish work at 1700, see the message at 1715, deal with it, meet you and work it out at 1830. I was so sure. It felt sure." Abruptly, he stopped rolling the chip through his fingers and held it up in front of them. "Play it," Cailus muttered. "Was going to show it to you anyway."

Shae looked at the chip in his hand with confusion, but she did take it from him then pulled herself from the deck to plug this chip into his desk terminal to play whatever had upset him.

With that, the terminal's holoprojector snapped on and a woman appeared. She was plainly young, in her late teens or twenties, with long dark hair strung into a neat ponytail and wearing an old Starfleet cadet uniform. The girl was plainly uncomfortable, bitting her upper lip as she shifted on her feet. "Hi Dad," she said nervously with a weak wave. "Okay, this is weird...um. Well...it's me. Victoire. But you know that." She smiled slightly in embarrassment, looking around with nervous energy. "I know that you'll probably never get this, but it felt like I should do it. We've been working on missing starships in class all month, like the Columbia and the Franklin and the Bozeman, and there's this cute guy in my Ethics class and we were talking and...um...yeah."

The image briefly flickered and Victoire reappeared with a determined look. "Anton and I were talking about things. His mom was on the Churchill, in Engineering." She briefly tried to smile. "We figured that strange things happen to ships all the time, and maybe something happened to the Churchill. You could've been thrown far away or there could've been a temporal anomaly or something like that and so we decided that if you came back you'd like something, right? A message. So we decided to record one for you and one for his mom and leave it with this agency on Alpha Centauri. Anton is with me right now, actually." This time Victoire waved to someone behind the holocamera with more confidence, her smile more genuine.

"Mom didn't want me to do this," she said, putting her hands behind her back. "She didn't want me to drag it all up, you know? And I get it. It's taken Mom years, and now she's happy. She even got married last year! You remember when we had Mister Gerrard over for dinner? They're really-"

"-Pause," Cailus interrupted with a guttural edge to his voice. With Victoire suddenly frozen there with a half smile that was oddly reminiscent of her father's, Cailus sighed as he put the back of his right hand on his forehead. "Shae," he said grimly, "this is my daughter."

"She's beautiful," Shae replied softly, her eyes full of such sadness for what Cailus must be feeling in this moment, and yet she had this smile on her face; Victoire looked happy, and wasn't that all a parent could hope for? A few key strokes at the terminal and she sent the image of this wonderful young woman to the replicator where it was recreated as a photo suspended in in a thin sheet of curved resin. "I can see what effect this is having on you emotionally, but you must be so proud; she's at the Academy, she's found someone she cares for, and she's happy," she said as she went to the replicator to get the picture, then returned to his desk to set the picture in the top drawer rather than displaying it; he probably wasn't ready to see Victoire's face on a daily basis, but one day maybe...

That, finally, succeeded in penetrating him. "That's...yeah." Seeing Shae put the photo in the drawer, Cailus gingerly got to his feet, although he had to put a hand on the viewport for support. "She lived it, Shae," he muttered. "She really lived it. I'm so proud of her, but I just...I'm empty." Looking at Shae with sheer naked plaintiveness, he whispered "Why am I empty? I should be happy for her and Harriet but I can't..."

"You feel empty because you are empty," Shae replied with a sad, knowing look. "They were a part of who you were and now they are gone, and their loss has left you hollowed out inside," she said, her words coming from experience; this was exactly how she felt when Aoife had been taken from her. "You don't want to go on, it's easier to just... let everything fall away than to feel the pain of loss." She strode over to him as she spoke, and put her arms around him and held him tenderly. "In time, this feeling will fade and you'll find a new drive to go on, and in enough time seeing her smile will make you smile instead of reminding you of this gaping hole in your chest. But for now, there's no shame in feeling what you feel. Just please, don't let this emptiness consume you. To do so would betray their sacrifice as much as yours; they learned to live without you, learned to be happy again, and so will you, just so long as you don't give in to that emptiness."

As Shae held him, Cailus simply stood there, staring past her into nothingness. After a moment he slowly put an arm around her shoulders, making a strangled noise as he returned her embrace. "This is just a bad day," he muttered, as if trying to convince himself. "I'll be better tomorrow."

It was only then that Cailus realised that Shae wasn't in her uniform or normal clothes, but instead wore a workout vest. Maybe it because he was still so raw from watching the message, maybe it was because Shae was so understanding and impossibly compassionate, but the scent of her sweat was suddenly, impossibly alluring, the pressure of her head on his chest a silent promise. Cailus tried to distract himself from that sudden, entirely wrong feeling by kissing Shae lightly on the forehead, but couldn't then stop himself from bending down further to kiss her bare shoulder.

The first kiss had been normal, but it was the second one which caught Shae off guard. With a soft gasp, she lifted her head to look at him, and the raw emotion in his eyes, the sheer intensity of the need in him took her breath away. Without really thinking, Shae closed the distance to press her lips against his.

Pulling back the kiss just an inch, Cailus grasped her shoulders lightly, his thumbs rubbing them unconsciously. “Be with me,” he said huskily. There was the slightest evidence of moisture in his eyes. Cailus knew how wrong it was to be with Shae like this, but he was being pulled by currents beyond his control. He simply couldn’t bear to be apart from her, even if it was only to release her.

Shae smiled as she felt his breath dancing across her lips. "Silly man," she replied, then kissed him again, her hands working at the zipper of his uniform jacket as the only other affirmation of her consent. If this was what he needed in this moment, who was she to deny him?

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A Little Later...
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Shae lay on the bed slowly regaining her senses as Cailus went to fetch clean clothes from the replicator. She could tell from his body language that Cailus was at odds with what had just happened between them; she would trust him to talk to her about it when he was ready, but for the moment she let him work through things in his head. He came back with her clothes and she stretched a full body stretch that only a feline could pull off, then took her clothes with a soft 'thanks' and began to get dressed.

As Shae got dressed on the bed, Cailus leaned against the bulkhead with his arms crossed, still visibly confused...so much so that his plain black shirt was on backwards. “Shae, I know this will sound strange, but...that? That...I’ve never done before. Not in that...way.”

"What do you mean?" Shae asked innocently as she sorted out her newly replicated clothes. After the run and then that, she definitely needed a shower, but that could wait until she got back to her quarters. She then stood and walked up to him, lifting his shirt over his head and then turning it around and placing it back over his head; poor man couldn't even get his shirt on straight, so she was trying to treat this moment as 'normal' as possible so he would not grow any more confused.

As Shae fixed his shirt, Cailus thought hard. Taking her hand with his right, he paused again, still trying to form his words. “I’ve never been like that before. Ever. Not even in combat. That was something new.”

"Oh," Shae replied simply as she finally understood what he meant. "Well, I hope you enjoyed it; I certainly did," she said to assure him that all was well on her end. "Will you be coming back to my quarters now or later or do you need some time to yourself this evening?" she asked with her usual sweet smile.

“I did enjoy it,” Cailus said with a genuine smile, momentarily ignoring the question. “I suppose I have to get used to the fact that you and I are...unique. Different.” Pausing, his smile grew into a wide grin that Cailus wouldn’t be caught dead wearing outside Shae’s presence. “Fantastic.”

Catching himself, Cailus shook his head briefly to clear it, remembering what had sparked their impromptu lovemaking in the first place. It soured his grin into a more somber expression. “I’ll be fine on my own, Shae. You’ve...you’ve helped me. Go on ahead.” Raising Shae’s hand, he kissed it lightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Shae nodded. "Alright," she said softly. "Well, you know where to find me if you need some company," she said, just to be sure. She then leaned in to give him a gentle kiss. "I'll see you later," she said, and turned to leave.

Relishing the kiss, Cailus gave her hand a final squeeze before watching Shae leave, his mind contemplative. In a way, he still felt vaguely guilty about what they had just done. Making love in such a state...and like that? There had been nothing tender or gentle about what they had just done. Cailus couldn’t escape the painful thought that he had just used Shae to soothe his grief...which would ordinarily be an issue, except that Shae didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. She was so astonishingly pure and innocent with how she loved.

Slowly, Cailus moved over to the desk, opening the top drawer. After a moment’s hesitation, he picked up the picture and put it on top. It was bittersweet to see Victoire’s nervous smile, but...bearable, now. With quiet resolve, Cailus decided to put a picture of Harriet there at some point as well. It would be painful to see their faces every day, the girls that he had loved so dearly, but also...good, somehow. Warming.

Turning to pick up their discarded clothing, Cailus wondered if perhaps he could put a picture of Shae and Aoife there too. It wouldn’t feel complete without them.