In The Harsh Light Of Day

Posted on Sun Jun 21st, 2020 @ 5:00am by Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Kalin Brennan-Griffin PhD
Edited on on Tue Jul 7th, 2020 @ 1:10pm

Mission: New Moon Rising
Location: Shae's Quarters
Timeline: After "Heat Of The Moment" and "The Aftermath"

A Mission Post by Lieutenant JG Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Kalin 'Shae' Brennan PhD
Mission: New Moon Rising
Location: Shae's Quarters
Timeline: After "Heat Of The Moment" and "The Aftermath"
Tue Jun 13th, 2017 @ 1:22am


Another day, another cold shower, and Shae couldn't bear this tension between her and Cailus. She knew it was going to be unavoidable for a while, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Just the way he had brushed passed her when she came to claim the shower, it almost had her in tears again! Time, they just needed time, but until they came to terms with what happened... Shae sighed; maybe he shouldn't move in just yet? She knew what she felt, and he had made his feelings abundantly clear, they both wanted this, but maybe now wasn't the best time; there were only so many cold shoulders she could take.

Vacating the shower and quickly dressing, Shae made her way to the main room where Cailus was trying (and failing) to get some breakfast into Aoife. Oh, little Aoife, she could tell that something was amiss between mommy and daddy, but she couldn't understand what and it was putting her in a foul mood.

"Here, I've got her, you go finish getting ready for your shift," Shae said to Cailus in a soft, subdued tone. She took a seat at the table and took Aoife's breakfast plate to resume the feeding. "Aoife, over here now, pay attention," Shae said. Aoife just wiggled in her little chair, trying to get free.

At that Cailus sighed as he surrendered Aoife, half-heartedly reaching for his uniform jacket on the other chair. In the cold light of day, his and Shae's problems were so much more obvious, everything so much more damned awkward. It had been easy before, natural, but now even the most simple of actions, from passing Shae in the bathroom to handing Aoife over to her, was increasingly complex. He knew from past experience that such tension did fade over time, but even so, it was horrible to endure.

As he stood, more glum than when he'd sat down, Cailus was jerked sharply back to the table, his hand caught on the bottom rim. With a confused frown he carefully unhooked himself, then scowled, forcing back a curse as he saw the damage. The artificial skin of his prosthetic hand, already damaged from a mishap the previous night, had completely torn, revealing bare, silvery titanium underneath. The flap of thick plastic hung backwards over the top of his hand as he lay it flat, swinging easily and betraying its artificial nature.

"I'll head to my quarters, get this fixed," he muttered awkwardly, mindful of Shae as she fed Aoife.

"I can fix that," Shae said, setting Aoife's breakfast off to the side; Aoife wasn't going to eat anymore right now, so Shae released her from her chair and set her on the floor to play for a bit. Shae went to the replicator and replicated a small repair kit, then returned to the table to begin mixing the adhesive. "Here, give me your hand," she said, then began carefully cleaning and drying the tear in Cailus' prosthetic to ensure she would get a good adhesion.

"Why did you come back last night?" Shae asked softly as she worked.

Holding still to let her work, Cailus was silent for a moment as he looked away, watching as Aoife played with her toys. "Can't you guess?" he finally said, glancing back at her. "I couldn't sleep without you. It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, but there it is." Jerking his chin towards the damage, he shook his head. "I got a little frustrated at that."

"That was some frustration, I hope you apologized to the bulkhead," Shae remarked. She worked the adhesive onto a strip that was to reinforce the tear, then worked it under the synthetic skin and lined everything up. "Thank you for, uh, helping me when you came around... I certainly wasn't expecting that, but I really appreciate it."

"I was hardly complaining," Cailus said drily, smiling despite himself. "Regardless of our problems, if you want my help, I'll be there. No questions asked. You know that." He stopped, remembering briefly the words Shae had whispered in the midst of their lovemaking. "Speaking of which...if your offer for me to move in still stands..."

"About that..." Shae said with an awkward little squirm. "I, uh... was kind of wondering if now was the best time; I haven't changed my mind about you moving in, not in the slightest, I still want this... us, but I... I'm having a bit of trouble dealing with your cold shoulder. I'm beating myself up enough as it is, as if the stress of my cycle isn't enough to content with right now, and to have you be so cold..." Then Shae shook her head. "Forget it, forget I said anything, I'm just frustrated right now," she admitted. She was just about done with the damage to his hand, and once she was done he wouldn't be able to tell that there ever was a tear!

"Oh." It was a stupid sound to make, but Cailus wasn't sure what else to say, a fresh wave of guilt hitting. As Shae's protoplaser finished its work, sealing the wound much quicker than the technology he remembered, he shifted awkwardly. Of course Shae was hurt by him being so cold; how could she not? But he was trying...and she was the one at fault...but was she? Oh damn it all to hell...

"Look," he said uncomfortably, crouching down to meet her at eye level, "whatever's best for you, okay? The Palatine sent over a lot of personal effects for me, anyway, and I need time to go through it all, organise everything. Sophia went a bit overboard. We can go through it together and decide what to bring here..when you're ready." It actually hurt to add that, to put the figurative brakes on their relationship, but Cailus forced the words out.

"What I'd like is to go back a couple of days to before all this mess started," Shae said with exasperation as she finished up with Cailus' hand. "I'd like for things to go back to they way they were, but since that's not happening, all we can do is take things a day at a time. Just... just please... you saw me last night in the thick of it, you saw how it affects me, so please try to remember that when you feel like passing judgment on me." Shae tidied up the kit and took it back to the replicator to cycle it through.

"I'm not..." Cailus trailed off, realising the lie even as he said it. He leaned on the table, his jaw working silently before saying, "I'm trying, Shae, I'm really trying here. I just keep..." And there it was again, that damnable awkwardness. "One day at a time. You're right. One day at a time."

"I know," Shae said in reply. "Stars above, I know you are trying, but it's easy to forget that you weren't the only person hurt. The betrayal hurts, I get that, but I'm the one that has to live with the knowledge that it was my fault; I could have told Mindo to leave, that I wasn't feeling well, I should have, even before I realized what was happening, but I-" Shae stopped herself, realizing that she was starting to raise her voice, something she had never done around either Cailus or Aoife before. "I just wanted to talk to my friend, Cailus. I was missing my friends from the Tornado and it was nice to reconnect with Mindo; I shouldn't have let myself get so distracted, I should have recognized the signs for what they were... and now I've got to live with the memory of what we did..." she continued in a calmer tone.

With a frustrated huff Cailus stood straight as Shae spoke, moving to her, but stopped just short of embracing her, still uncertain. "From how I see it," he said roughly, forcing reason into his tone, "you weren't in any control of your actions and you weren't in a sound state of mind. In the eyes of the law, it's the same as if you were drugged. I don't begin to understand that part of you and I'm not sure I ever will, but it's how I'm seeing it."

"And I'm glad that you can see that, but part of you is still so angry, Cailus, you're not just saying those words, you're trying to convince yourself. So until you believe the very words you say, then I'll be on the receiving end of your ire, whether it's intentional or not," Shae replied. Then she sighed, then turned and looked up at him, looking more tired than anything, but still so sad; it was days like this when she felt like her whole life was just a house of cards, waiting for a good, strong wind to knock everything over. "I'm sorry, I should not be chastising you; you're working through this as best you can, I can see how hard this is for you. For me, the hardest part is I want to comfort you and I can't because I'm the one that put that hurt there in the first place; and then I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright, but I see that hurt in your eyes... We have been such a great comfort to each other and now it's anything but, and I'm so sorry for that."

"It's not just you," Cailus said with a sigh, leaning on the bulkhead. "Shae, you deserve to be forgiven. I'm just not a strong enough man to do it. Not easily." Looking at her, he said quietly, "I love you. That hasn't changed, and it won't change. Even with that, I won't force myself into your life just to cause you pain whenever you see me, no matter how it started. I'll be here for you whenever you need me, however you need me, but only if you want me to. I want to be with you, but for now...if you want me to take a step back...then I'll step back."

"Thank you," Shae said softly, knowing that such a concession wasn't easy to make. "One day at a time, we can do this," she affirmed, trying her best to smile for him. "Starting with today, I am not up to lunch in the mess hall right now, but if you feel like come back here when you take your break, I would gladly like to try to maintain our usual routine." Routine, perhaps that would help, getting them back to where this all started, the simplicity taking lunches together.

Answering Shae's strained smile with his own, Cailus answered, "Okay. That sounds good. I'll come by later."

He stayed there for a moment, awkwardly leaning on the wall next to Shae before moving over to Aoife, crouching down next to her. Aoife had been watching the entire exchange with interest, her toys forgotten on the deck. "Be nice for mommy, Aoife," Cailus said with that quiet, affectionate tone reserved just for her, his smile warm now. "I'll see you later on, okay? And no more cookie thieving, little one. I don't want to have to bring you in on charges. Mommy would get really upset with me then."

The sight of him interacting with Aoife managed to generate a genuine smile from Shae, which lingered even as Cailus rose to leave; it made her happy that he would get to see a genuine smile before he left, something for him to hold on to and give him hope throughout the day.