Cold Burn

Posted on Sun Jun 21st, 2020 @ 5:01am by Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Commander Mindo
Edited on on Tue Jul 7th, 2020 @ 1:10pm

Mission: New Moon Rising
Location: Mindo's Quarters
Timeline: After "Heat of the Moment" and "The Aftermath"

A Mission Post by Lieutenant JG Cailus Griffin & Lieutenant Mindo
Mission: New Moon Rising
Location: Mindo's Quarters
Timeline: After "Heat of the Moment" and "The Aftermath"
Tue Jun 13th, 2017 @ 1:31am


The day after that fateful event, it was time for something else. The morning after Cailus and Shae's rapprochement, as he'd gotten to work, Cailus had quietly considered what to do. In the back of his mind, he planned, he considered, and he pondered, analysing everything as if it was a battle plan rather than...whatever the hell it was.

Thus, after work was done, Cailus made his way to Mindo's quarters fully prepared. Now off-duty, Cailus had purposefully left his phaser in the Armory as he always did, and as he reached Mindo's quarters, he took personal inventory. Everything was ready. More importantly, Cailus' discipline was iron tight. There would be no anger today, no vengeful rage.

Instead, with an even calmness, he tapped the chime.

Inside his quarters, Mindo watched an old film, projecting it on the screen he had brought from the Tornado. The film was some old Ferengi film, which meant lots of nudity and really, really bad acting. This one was particularly preposterous. It was the sequel to "Lobes of Exchange," subtitled "The Conquering Price." Mindo had seen the original and hated it. The sequel was almost as bad, although nothing topped the forty-five minute orgy scene from the original.

Mindo stopped the film and turned on the lights at the sound of the chime. Maybe it's Zo, he thought. He seemed a little interested when Mindo told him about the film earlier that day.

"Come in," said Mindo. The door whished open to reveal Cailus, who Mindo had also somewhat expected.

"Cailus," he said, standing up. "Come in. Can I get you a drink?" Mindo made his way over to the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Tennessee whiskey. Mindo figured he'd need something strong, regardless of Cailus' response.

Cailus' first response was to say no, but after a moment's thought, he nodded curtly as he entered. "If you can spare some, certainly." Looking at Mindo sternly, Cailus' stance was tightly controlled, his hands placed formally behind his back...and that discipline nearly broke at seeing what was on the screen. A fat humanoid with huge ears was in the middle of gesticulating at a rather buxom and scantily-clad Vulcan, all with a bed in the background.

"Mindo, what...?" he asked in amazement, appalled.

Mindo looked up and realized he'd forgot to stop the film. "Computer, stop film!"

The screen went blank.

"It's a foreign film," he said with a dismissive wave. He handed Cailus a glass of whiskey.

With bemusement Cailus took the glass, but his stance was still pure military, his back ramrod straight. "You were expecting me," he began, plainly voicing it as a statement rather than a question.

Mindo didn't acknowledge Cailus' words. Instead he walked back to the couch and sat down, gesturing to the chair next to him, inviting Cailus to sit as well.

Reluctantly, Cailus took the invitation. He took an exploratory sip of the whiskey, pleasantly surprised to note that it was actually from Earth, and then focused on Mindo with a piercing, steel-backed look. "Are you aware of what actually happened yesterday?" he finally asked, his voice completely neutral.

"I remember what happened, if that's what you're asking," said Mindo, not sure what Cailus meant by his question, though he'd had enough experience with humans to know that Cailus was probably mad about it.

His tone still an even and flat, but there was a cold storm brewing in Cailus' eyes. "Did Shae seem to be in good health? Was she acting normally?"

Mindo shook his head. "I don't know Shae well enough to know if she was or not." He paused, then added, "She seemed to know what she was doing..."

It took every inch of Cailus' control not to react that, although his glare grew even sharper, the glass half-forgotten in his hand. "Shae's biology is different to human biology, or Fesarian biology," he said coldly. "She was not in a sound state of mind when you went to her quarters, but under the influence of powerful instincts that overwhelmed her judgement. Did you suspect this?"

"Yes," said Mindo.

Those eyes became downright venomous, even amidst Cailus' strict control. "And you didn't care."

"I cared," said Mindo. "I assessed the situation and did what I thought was best for everyone." He leaned forward. "It was that, or get out and have her make a scene in the corridor. This way only the three of us know and we can just go about our business."

With considerable effort, Cailus managed to restrain himself from smashing the glass in his grip. He was tense; Mindo's intransigence was becoming frustrating in the extreme. "So the only recourse was that," he said tightly, those hard brown eyes unflinching. "You aren't some first-year cadet, Mindo. This isn't your first time serving with other species, especially humans. Do you have any idea how much pain you caused Shae?"

Mindo set his glass down and pointed to it. "Do you know why Feserians drink? It dulls our senses. Without it our libidos are out of control. Works fine at home, but in Starfleet it's kind of a problem. At the Academy I was caught so many times 'under the influence' that I almost got kicked out. At first I thought I could manage without it. Two months later I've been caught so many times with my pants down they labeled me a sex addict and sent me to therapy. Do you know what happened next? I did it with my therapist! I know what it's like to have that problem. It has nothing to do with love or intimacy or any of that crap. It's nature. It's sex. And it's humiliating! Do you think I'm proud of yesterday? I wish it never happened!"

Mindo's honesty didn't affect Cailus' glare in the slightest as he leaned forward. "So you were under an external influence, too," he said, his tone becoming downright frigid. "You had no control of your actions. That is what you're telling me."

"She said I smelled good. Feserians are similar to Deltans. We give off powerful pheremones. She must have had a heightened awareness of them. Given that, I literally had no control over the situation. And she didn't either."

Smell. It was an innocent word, but it broke Cailus' control, the idea of some actual physical connection, drawing them to each other irresistibly. He very, very carefully put the glass of whiskey down on the table, not knowing what was about to happen, the rage so unfamiliar by now.

"The problem, Mindo," he said quietly, "is that even if it wasn't for all that...you would've still done it in a heartbeat. You have done it. Is that accurate?"

"Cailus," said Mindo. "have you heard a word I've said? Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want to hurt you. Or don't care if I do." He sat back. "Admit it. You didn't come here for a lesson in nature. You came here to hit me. Fine. Hit me. It won't change a thing."

That damnable superior attitude, from him of all people, had Cailus standing up without even thinking about it, his left hand already a trembling fist. He breathed through his nostrils like an ox, eyes wide and unblinking, simply glaring at the smug bastard as he relaxed in his chair. It took every single ounce of Cailus' self-control to stay rooted in place, to force deep breaths, mentally reciting the old mantras to allow calm to re-enter his mind.

Mindo didn't flinch. Instead, he stood up, right on the couch, and looked up into the familiar stare of every scorned lover he'd ever pissed off.

"You've wanted to hit me the second you met me," said Mindo. "You've been waiting for the opportunity to take me down. And now you have a reason, but you're too man enough not to do it. Because you know in your heart that I'm right. And if you hit me now, if you kill me, you're doing so because, with all that superior human smugness, you can't stand that it meant absolutely noth. ing. to me."

Even standing on the couch Mindo wasn't quite at eye level, but he was close enough. Cailus' glare weakened, just a little, the anger fading gradually as he looked at the man before him. Slowly he took off his combadge, holding it between them on his palm.

"Wrong," Cailus said with angry intensity. "I am angry. Very. I'm angry because you hurt and took advantage of the woman I love. That doesn't mean I want to hit you, Mindo." Glancing down at the badge, his eyes flicked back up. "I'm angry because you're the best damn engineer I've ever met. I've read your blasted technical scores, your performance assessments. I saw you confess to Takato and Caradan that day. I saw how hard it was. I'm angry because you can be so much more if you only try."

Putting the badge back on his uniform, Cailus' eyes narrowed. "Everything you said about pheremones, about your biology. Those are excuses, excuses you cling to because it's easier than facing everything full on. Shae buckled because it caught her by surprise. You buckled because you wanted her. She failed because it was the first time she'd gone through something like that. You failed even though you know exactly what it feels like."

His voice building, Cailus rose into an ear-busting roar, blasting Mindo with sheer fury. "A true Starfleet officer would've found a way to resist, would've found another option, would've had control. And you can be a true officer, if you only bloody try!"

Mindo sat down and sighed. "Ever since I joined Starfleet I've had humans telling me how to act, what to think, what to do. And I've tried to adhere to all of it. You humans like to say 'I'm only human' when you make a mistake. Well, I'm only Feserian. A true Starfleet officer, a true member of the United Federation of Planets understands this, and understands that there are things they do not understand that they must accept. Once they can learn to live with that, then they are ready to be in Starfleet, because that's what Starfleet does."

Mindo looked up at Cailus. "I don't expect you to forgive me. But please forgive Shae. She didn't do this out of any love for me. She did this because she had to scratch an itch. Unfortunately I had the same itch in the same place. It's not my fault. It's not her fault. It's not yours. We're all victims to circumstance. But I can assure you, I promise you, it will never happen again with me and Shae. I know she says the same thing."

Continuing to glare at Mindo for a long moment, anger and disdain as clear as day, Cailus eventually broke off. He turned, moving away from Mindo towards the wall, rubbing his bare jaw with frustration.

"We talked," he said curtly, pointedly not looking back. "I trust her. That's the end of it. The rest, though...you and me?" Turning around, Cailus' frown was horribly deep, a tell-tale sign of the effort it was taking to change the subject. "I'm not Davies, Mindo. How much do you know about me? About my past?"

"I don't know anything of your past," said Mindo. "But I know you well enough to be positive that you wouldn't hit me."

Glaring at Mindo coldly, Cailus' hands were once again clenched into fists. "That's the damned point. You don't know me and you don't know Shae. Mindo, when my old ship was attacked, the Chief Engineer saved my life because she was a damned better person than you. The Bridge was destroyed, the saucer section was burning to hell, the evacuation alarms were set off, but she never left her station. She kept the ship fighting, kept the shields up and she ordered me to evacuate when she could've and should've saved herself."

Cailus' voice was steady now, and quiet, but laced with unrestrained anger. "Shae is the strongest damned person I've ever known, and she could do that in a heartbeat. I have done that, and I'd damned well do it for you if I have to. But you?" Turning to a cruel whisper, his eyes fixed upon Mindo mercilessly. "If you can't even stop yourself from being with her when you know it's wrong, can't stop yourself from making that choice, how could you ever do the same for us?"

"Because I did it for Davies," said Mindo.

Mindo let the thought sink in, then continued. "You don't know how much the uniform means to me. How much Starfleet means to me. I had every chance to kill Davies, a man who blackmailed, raped, and molested me. I could've made it look like an accident. No one would have known. It's scary how much control the chief engineer has over the safety and preservation of the ship and its crew. But those four pips on his collar meant more to me than his disgusting habits. You say you want to protect me, even though I slept with Shae behind your back. Try saving the man who..." Mindo's voice wavered for a second, and he paused, taking a moment to gather himself. He took a long drink of the whiskey, finishing the glass. Setting down the glass he avoided Cailus' gaze. Mindo remained quiet, but there was moisture in his eyes, and he couldn't help but sniffle. Still not speaking, he poured himself another glass and downed it fast, but still said nothing.

With Mindo's pain wide open, tears flowing silently over his handsome features even as he drank, it was horribly, terribly tempting for Cailus to say the words that he knew would inflict so much pain: How are you any better? The words were in his throat, half formed, and he fiercely wanted some kind of retribution, realising guiltily that that had been his true purpose for coming. Shae's awful sobbing after she'd slept with Mindo flashed in his mind's eye and Cailus had to turn away again, closing his eyes to restrain himself.

Instead, after a couple of long minutes, he turned back, still as frigid as ever. "You and I are never going to be friends," he said, breaking the silence. "I don't have the strength to forgive you, ever.. Shae might. I don't."

Slowly he walked up to the table, downing his glass of whiskey in one gulp, relishing the burn as it seared his throat. Crouching down in front of Mindo, he said again with harsh steel, "I will say this, Mindo. I don't care what happened to you before, or what your biology is. I've seen the real you, and I swear, you can be more."

"You haven't heard a thing I've said, have you?" said Mindo. "I'll take the blame for Shae's actions if it preserves her dignity. Lord knows I have none left. But I don't have to seek your forgiveness. I didn't do this to you."

"I already told you," Cailus said with gritted teeth, continuing to glare at Mindo's face unflinchingly. "It's not about her. It's about you." Standing up, Cailus ran his hands over his face, shaking his head frustration as he walked away again, circling back to where he'd started. "Damn it, Mindo, you're not making this...blast it, I don't know! How the hell do we move on from this!?"

"We just do," said Mindo.

Taking a moment to absorb that, Cailus nodded stiffly, still plainly furious, then stormed towards the door, stopping suddenly before it. "If you were in the same situation again," he said slowly, his back turned to Mindo, "would you be able to stop yourself from doing it?"

"If I did it again, would you hit me?" said Mindo.

There was a heavy, suffocating silence for a long moment. Without turning around, Cailus sighed, slouching slightly as he pressed the control to open the door.

"No," he said quietly, spitefully. "Because that would be too damned easy. For all of us."

"This won't happen again," said Mindo. With that, Cailus left, leaving Mindo with his own demons.