Hardest Word

Posted on Mon Jun 22nd, 2020 @ 3:10am by Captain Nycolas Temple & Emilie Temple
Edited on on Tue Jul 7th, 2020 @ 2:29pm

Mission: Into the Wild
Location: Deck 2 - Senior Crew Quarters

A Mission Post by Captain Nycolas Temple & Emilie Temple
Mission: Into The Wild
Location: Deck 2 - Senior Crew Quarters
Timeline:
Tue Mar 20th, 2018 @ 2:28am

It's been written and repeated many time before that 'sorry is the hardest word to say', an old colloquialism that spun around Nycolas Temple's mind as the weary Captain made his final stop for the night. The day had been long with reports, visitations, a few arguments and - oh yes - a slap in the face. He'd been shot through the leg with a rusty arrow the day before so at least a slap to the face was an improvement; however given the slap was administered by his wife, the sting was a little more personal. So when it came to that old saying, he still wasn't sure which one of them was supposed to say sorry.

The day wore on Temple's face like his shirt; in desperate need of ironing. The circles around his eyes were dark, his usually smooth brow was practically bruised with frown marks, and his lips were turned downwards in an ever-present sullen refrain. It was not how Nyx liked to spend his days. Usually, and previously, his time with the crew was jovial and fun, he was assured of his abilities as their Captain, and they had come through their prior journeys as a stronger unit. Today, however, he felt the bad had outweighed the good. That although the Pandora had been victorious against the Ravagers, it hadn't come without a cost to his confidence and some of his closest relationships. He hoped that a new day would bring new beginnings.

Slinking into the darkened captain's quarters, Nyx was greeted by the noticeable emptiness; the only light coming from down the corridor in the sleeping area, where Emilie was reading to their child. The rest of the quarters were dark and lonely. It would usually be a heart warming moment, coming home and seeing his wife and daughter were safe and sound - something he longed to see. Made the troubles worth it. But the moment now was heavy with anticipation over what would come next after the bedtime story was finished. Real life, of course. Hard, awkward, regretful. All the words that Nyx had spent a lot of time avoiding. He turned on one of the small lamps in the kitchen and brewed himself a cup of tea in the replicator. Sitting down at the family table, he could only wait.

Emilie appeared about ten minutes later, Katrine comfortably off into slumber. She had heard Nyx entered before and so wasn't surprised to see him sitting at the table. She was taken, however, by the look on his face. There was a sadness in the way he gazed forlornly into his mug, a look she had seen before but had hoped never to again. Quietly, she walked over to the other side of the table and like two boxers entering into a ring, sat opposite her husband with an expectant stare.

Nyx took a slow slip of his tea, which he was getting to the bottom of by now, and sighed. There would be no small talk, no dancing around the point. Not after this long in a marriage - it was bare honesty or nothing.

"You struck me today." Nyx commented flatly. "In front of my crew."

Emilie nodded in response, her eyes beginning to match his, "I'm sorry. I was so angry."

"Did what I do really deserve that?" He returned quickly. "Honestly?"

"No." Emilie replied, shaking her head. "That was too far." She wanted to argue her point and justify the pure frustration she felt at the time, but now was a moment for expressing regrets.

"I would never do that to you." Nyx added, trying to control his own tone. The long day was stressing his voice, causing it to crack in places.

Emilie nodded and bit her lip, "I am sorry. I'll never do it again."

Nyx turned the ceramic mug around his hands a few time, watching the remaining black liquid slosh around. He was aware that his heart was beating loudly in his chest, and his hands were clammy with sweat. He took in a deep, staccato breath and looked back up to his wife.

"I'm sorry for not telling you where I was going." He spoke, looking at her intensely. "I'm sorry for taking such a risk like going undercover." Again, he could have added explanations and excuses, but it was more important now just to get to the apology.

Emilie opened her mouth to speak, then quietly shut it again. Finally she shook her head, "I get that, I do, but why were we in the situation in the first place, Nyx? I know you never promised there wouldn't be any danger on board the Pandora, but this was insane? What happened to the boring scientific studies and diplomatic meetings with new races?"

"Oh they happened." Nyx replied, his tone perking up a bit. "Just, you know, elsewhere. My XO got to make first contact with a new planet, while I was getting shot through the leg." It was a dry sarcasm, that on anyone else would seen glib but given Nyx's mood was actually an improvement. "I sure as hell got the raw end of that deal."

Emilie frowned and an impulse, raised out of her seat and crossed the divide to wrap herself around Nyx. He smelt faintly of old cologne and sweat, mixed together and settled in after an arduous day. The beard around his chin was noticeably longer and dishevelled, his skin was rough. She gently raised her hand up and stroked his cheek. Nyx caught a glint in his eye and playfully jerked his head back.

"Hey now." He smiled. "Where you going with that hand?"

Emilie squinted at him and curled up the side of her lips. "Not funny yet."

"Little bit." Nyx replied with a smirk. He raised his own hand up to hers and guided it onto his face, and he held it there for a moment. "That's a lot nicer."

"Never again." She said seriously.

Finally, after what had been the longest day in his life so-far as a Captain, and perhaps as a husband, he was finally embracing his wife. He pushed himself up and planted his lips on hers, and then used his other hand to bring her head closer to his; it was the quiet moment of tenderness they had both been waiting to have. She was soft and warm, though her body still felt the tensions of the day. She kissed her husband tenderly, but just wished it really could have washed away all of their problems so easily. Nothing real was ever neatly resolved with a kiss. Despite this, the two sat silently together at the kitchen table, hugging and quietly enjoying each other's company.

After a moment, she leaned back and looked at her man, "So, I think I'm ready to talk about what happened on the Carnage. Are you?"

Nyx frowned a little. Of course he could downplay the danger and his realised fear of dying on the Ravager ship, but she would see through that. Bare honesty or nothing. He nodded and began, "It was tough. I believed we were going undercover, but I think they were on to us from the get-go. Balek, that was their commander, shot me in the leg and tried to force Tisar Zemel to execute me. For a moment, there was a possibility that we had been double-crossed and I could have been killed."

Emilie tensed up again. "Oh gees." She took a breath and nodded, trying to digest the news, but it only made her rigid with fear. The same fear she had been experiencing all day while Nyx was over on that ship; she wasn't sure if knowing the danger had been very real made it better or not. Sometimes it didn't benefit to be right.

"Hey, look, I'm here, he didn't do it." Nyx offered softly. "I'm all safe and sound."

"Yes." She sighed, trying to release her tension in her body. "Okay, go on."

"Well, the Pandora arrived and Balek got distracted in believing he could take the ship, so he kinda forgot about me." Nyx continued, "Thankfully Cailus was in charge and Fick was at the helm, so they managed to outmanoeuvre the Ravager's attacks. This gave enough time for Shae and Smithy to take out Engineering, drop their shields and engines, and for us to win the battle. Tisar, who was faking his betrayal, managed to subdue Balek and we detained him."

Emilie took in a long breath, watching her husband's face as he retold the story in his matter-of-fact way. She tilted her head a little, studying this man she had known for so many years, taking in every flicker of his mouth, the way his eyes danced around her and never directly at her. Nyx had been trained through Star Fleet and Intelligence to speak without emotion, to report on these operations as one would the weather, which is fine when reporting to one's superior or other offices. However, Nyx was also used to confiding in Emilie, to speaking his inner feelings and revealing his true emotions, unreservedly and honestly. So she could tell that when Nyx was restraining his tone, and giving a report rather than just talking, it was because he was trying to withhold something.

"What else?" She asked purposefully.

He paused and nodded, "Then Cailus team secured the Carnage and detained the rest of the Ravagers." He shrugged, noticing that she was noticing him, "Oh and Fick flew a Starfighter to catch one of the runaway shuttles. That was a big deal for him."

Emilie stared at him for a moment longer, still not satisfied. She slowly raised herself up off his lap and paced around the table. Finally she stopped at looked at him again, "Is that all?"

Nyx's shoulders dropped some, "No." He sighed. "When Balek and I were alone, I was required to use lethal force against him. I... had to kill him."

"Oh." She breathed, then said. "Ohh. I new this feeling was familiar."

Nyx stared at his mug again, shaking his head, "It's not... Not the same."

"Oh it is." Emilie said firmly. "You used that exact same tone, and those words when you returned from Gaspar. I saw through it then, just as I see through it now. Nyx, I love you, but I can tell when you're choosing your words."

"I'm telling you what happened." He protested, the edge in his tone returning. "Because you wanted to know."

Emilie crossed her arms across her chest, "You would go off on these missions, like Gaspar, and you always told me it was in the line of duty, that you were helping to protect Lucis or Starfleet. It took a lot for me to accept that this was part of your job, and that yes, my husband killed people."

"Not 'killed people'!" Nyx huffed back. "I'm not some mad man, Emilie, for frack's sake. I was trained and prepared to terminate enemies of the Federation. Horrible men like Balek the Butcher, who had killed, tortured, and did unspeakable evil to innocent people. I'm fine with what I do and I thought you were too?"

"Yes I was!" Emilie cried. "But I thought that was over, Nyx, I thought when you went into the command path and were given the Pandora, you would be a regular Starfleet Captain. There would be no more dark ops and assassinations, or whatever you want to call it."

It wasn't lost on Nyx that her words echoed his own towards Lieutenant Brennan earlier in Sickbay. In reality, he was having the argument with the CSO that he knew his wife would have with him. He was a hypocrite for getting upset at Brennan for the exact thing he himself had done, but now, entirely unironically, he was getting the same words thrown back at him.

"I made vows to you, and to Starfleet as well." Nyx said, taking his argument directly from Shae's. "I need you to accept that, on occasion, I will be required to put defending the Federation above ensuring you were morally okay with how I do it."

"Nyx, I lost my father in defence of the Federation." Emilie replied softly. "My home, my family, we were caught in the crossfire between the Federation and her enemies and we lost everything. I thought that, like me, you never wanted to be put in that position again, which is why you wanted this assignment? But it's all just the same thing... Wars, battles, murder."

"I know." Nyx sighed. "I also don't want to be put in that defenceless position again. What I did today will ensure that this region and the Pandora will be safer in the future."

"Why, because the Ravagers will just give up and quit?" Emilie scoffed. "Those rogues who attacked Lucis didn't quit. They attacked once, didn't succeed, so they just came back with bigger ships and more firepower. There will always be another Balek out there, another Lucis or Salvaxe to be preyed upon. It's an endless cycle, that I thought we'd gotten out of. But, you're still willing to jump in there and get your hands dirty again."

"Oh sure, I forgot the entire galaxy was a peace." Nyx shot back sarcastically. "No more bad guys in the universe, folks! We can pack up and retire, mission accomplished."

"Don't." Emilie warned.

"What do you want me to say then?" Nyx asked. "Shae said today that you need to accept my job will require making the tough choices. This was one of them."

Emilie shook her head, "I'm sorry I can't help you justify this like Shae can, I'm sorry I'm not like her. But there's a difference between defending the ship and eliminating enemies. I thought you were done with all that."

Nyx stood and moved over to the replicator, where he placed his empty cup and watched it disappeared into the recycler. He leaned his head against the cabinet and sighed. Of course Emilie had been right, he had made promises after Lucis fell that his career would no longer include dark ops for Starfleet Intel, or other such organisations. That he would be a clean-cut, perfect Starfleet officer, a dedicated Federation man with a proper service record that would gain him the captaincy of his own ship one day. And when he got that ship, it would be to advance the benevolence and knowledge of the Federation, exploring and discovering along the way. No more secret missions, no more dirty assignments, no more assassinations. The truth was, if Nyx hadn't done so many unpleasant jobs for the top brass, if he hadn't been so efficient in his prior work, he would never have been given a ship like the Pandora, or been able to choose his assignment. He had to wade through a lot of eliminated enemies to come out clean on the other side.

The Pandora was his reward, and he'd done it all for her.

"Okay." Nyx said after a while. "I hear you, and I accept what you're saying. I'm adjusting still, to this uniform and the title, but that's no excuse for falling back onto old habits. I'm going to not put myself in that situation again, or certainly try everything else I can first."

Emilie nodded, "I appreciate that, Nyx, I do. But a man is still dead tonight because you chose that path over your commitment to Federation principles and your promises to me. It's going to be a while until I'm fully okay with that."

"I know." Nyx said softly. "We're still learning, yeah? How to make our marriage work with our lives. I don't ever want to give up learning."

Emilie smiled a little. "Good. Neither do I. I will try to be more open and understanding of your job, now that I see what's required of you."

Nyx and Emilie crossed the divide between them and wrapped each other in a hug again. It wasn't the perfect ending or neat resolve either had wanted, but they were back at an understanding at least. 'Sorry' had been the hardest word to say to each other, but it was what came afterwards that had tested their relationship. Nyx could only promise to try harder to live up to his promises, and Emilie could be less judgemental and more understanding. It would take time, but they would find a balance again.